Comfort is not everything. My toes have been numb since my Quinceanera.

Jay: I didn't mean for her to get hurt.
Gloria: Not her, he when he realizes not every second wife looks like this.

Manny: Hey mom, can you see this?
Gloria: What pimple?

I just wish you would have come in sooner before I went to second base with Stella.

Gloria: How dumb do they think we are?
Phil: Sometimes Claire leaves me pictures instead of food instead of a shopping list.

Jay I miss you. Besides I don't know that I can keep Phil safe anymore, I think he's going to die here.

Claire: I'm sorry but you know how i am about heights.
Gloria: Is that why you never wear high heels?

Gloria: I don't eat anything unless I know what's in it.
Jay: I've once seen this woman scarf down a pig's nose.

Excuse me, how much is that doggie in the window?

Gloria: This is fun for me. You're my stepdaughter.
Claire: I'm older than you.

What happened to him? He didn't used to be that self-conscious before high school. He used to go around in his poncho, play the band flute. I miss my old Manny.

Gloria: Some people you turn your back for one second and they have another family from the bad side of town.
Jay: You ARE my other family from the bad side of town.