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The-simpsons

(At Bea's funeral.)
Homer: I can't tell you how sorry I am, Dad.
Grampa: (Sarcastically) Is someone talking to me? I didn't hear anything.
Homer: Oh no! Dad's lost his hearing!

(Grampa mourns Bea alone in his room.)
Lionel Hutz: It was a beautiful service, wasn't it, Mr. Simpson?
Grampa: (Yells) Who the hell are you?
Lionel Hutz: Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law! I'm the executor of Beatrice Simmons' estate. Mr. Simpson, Bea was a wealthy woman and, surprise, surprise, she left everything to you.
Grampa: Really?
Lionel Hutz: There is one catch. You must spend one night ina haunted house!
Grampa: (Gasps)
Lionel Hutz: (Chuckles) Just kidding, just kidding.

(Grampa rides a roller coaster alone.)
Grampa: I miss Bea.
(Bea's ghost appears in the seat next to Grampa.)
Bea: I miss you too.
Grampa: (Screams in fright)
Bea: Oh, Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting a family in Texas.

(Grampa comes home and forgives Homer.)
Homer: Dad?
Grampa: Sonny boy!
(The two hug.)
Grampa: Is there room at your table for a foolish old man?
Homer: Well, sure! Eh, we'll have to move a chair in from the den. But it's no problem. Bart!

(Grandpa explains the story of Herb's conception to Homer.)
Grandpa: It all happened when I was courting your mother.
(Flash back to a younger Grandpa at a carnival.)
Grandpa: (Narrating) I was checking out the skirts at the local carnival when I first saw her.
Woman: (To Grandpa) Hey, handsome, wanna dunk the clown?
Grandpa: (Narrating) She did things your mother would never do, like have sex for money. A year later, the carnival came back to town, and she had a little surprise for me.
(The woman shows Grandpa baby Herb.)
(Flash forward to present day.)
Grandpa: We left the baby at the Shelbyville Orphanage, and I never saw him again.
(Flash back to Grandpa at his wedding)
Grandpa: (Narrating) A year later, I married your mother, and we had you.
(Flash forward to Homer's mother after the delivery.)
Mother Simpson: Abe, I want Homer to grow up respecting his father. He must never know about that-that carnival incident.
Grandpa: Okay.
Mother Simpson: Promise you won't tell him.
Grandpa: I promise.
(Flash forward to present day.)
Grandpa: Whoops! Forget what I just told you.

Oh, son, don't overreach. Go for the dented car, the dead-end job, the less attractive girl. I blame myself. I should have had this talk a long time ago.

Grampa: What's the matter, boy?
Homer: Nothing.
Grampa: You haven't said boo all night and usually I have to wrestle the bucket out of your greasy mitts.
Homer: Dad, I'm in love.
Grandpa: Uh-oh. Why don't you grab yourself a beer, boy.
Homer: But, Dad, I don't drink.
Grandpa: Cut the crap! (Imitating Homer) I just collect the cans, Daddy! (Normal) Now, grab yourself a beer and get me one, too.

Homer: I just want you to know that I love you, Dad.
Grampa: You do?
Homer: Uh-huh.
Grampa: Oh, son, I love you too. Hey, how about a hug?
(Homer and Abe hug)
Homer: Dad!
Grampa: Sonny boy!
Homer: Papa!
Grampa: Junior!
Homer: My old man.
(Homer crosses "Make peace with Dad" on his list.)

Let's go! If I'm not back at the home by nine they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance!

Patty: When is that boy going to apologize?
Selma: He sure is stubborn.
Grampa: Homer was never stubborn. He always folded instantly over everything. It was as if he had no will of his own. Isn't that true, Homer?
Homer: Yes, dad!

Grampa: What's your hurry?
Homer: This place is depressing.
Grampa: Hey!I live here!
Homer: I'm sure it's a blast once you get used to it.

Grandpa: Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on televison again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.

Displaying quotes 97 - 108 of 112 in total

The Simpsons Quotes

MARGE! Where are you? Did you change your name? Is it Kelly? KELLY!

Homer

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

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