Grampa Simpson Quotes
Grampa: Eh, what are you, uh, doing tonight?
Bea: Sitting alone in my room.
Grampa: (Disappointed) Oh, well, if you've got plans already--
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(At Bea's funeral.)
Homer: I can't tell you how sorry I am, Dad.
Grampa: (Sarcastically) Is someone talking to me? I didn't hear anything.
Homer: Oh no! Dad's lost his hearing!
- Permalink: <i>(At Bea's funeral.)</i> I can't tell you how sorry I am, Da...
(Grampa mourns Bea alone in his room.)
Lionel Hutz: It was a beautiful service, wasn't it, Mr. Simpson?
Grampa: (Yells) Who the hell are you?
Lionel Hutz: Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law! I'm the executor of Beatrice Simmons' estate. Mr. Simpson, Bea was a wealthy woman and, surprise, surprise, she left everything to you.
Lionel Hutz: There is one catch. You must spend one night ina haunted house!
Lionel Hutz: (Chuckles) Just kidding, just kidding.
- Permalink: <i>(Grampa mourns Bea alone in his room.)</i> It was a beautif...
(Grampa rides a roller coaster alone.)
Grampa: I miss Bea.
(Bea's ghost appears in the seat next to Grampa.)
Bea: I miss you too.
Grampa: (Screams in fright)
Bea: Oh, Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting a family in Texas.
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(Grampa comes home and forgives Homer.)
Grampa: Sonny boy!
(The two hug.)
Grampa: Is there room at your table for a foolish old man?
Homer: Well, sure! Eh, we'll have to move a chair in from the den. But it's no problem. Bart!
- Permalink: <i>(Grampa comes home and forgives Homer.)</i> Dad? Sonny bo...
(Grandpa explains the story of Herb's conception to Homer.)
Grandpa: It all happened when I was courting your mother.
(Flash back to a younger Grandpa at a carnival.)
Grandpa: (Narrating) I was checking out the skirts at the local carnival when I first saw her.
Woman: (To Grandpa) Hey, handsome, wanna dunk the clown?
Grandpa: (Narrating) She did things your mother would never do, like have sex for money. A year later, the carnival came back to town, and she had a little surprise for me.
(The woman shows Grandpa baby Herb.)
(Flash forward to present day.)
Grandpa: We left the baby at the Shelbyville Orphanage, and I never saw him again.
(Flash back to Grandpa at his wedding)
Grandpa: (Narrating) A year later, I married your mother, and we had you.
(Flash forward to Homer's mother after the delivery.)
Mother Simpson: Abe, I want Homer to grow up respecting his father. He must never know about that-that carnival incident.
Mother Simpson: Promise you won't tell him.
Grandpa: I promise.
(Flash forward to present day.)
Grandpa: Whoops! Forget what I just told you.
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Oh, son, don't overreach. Go for the dented car, the dead-end job, the less attractive girl. I blame myself. I should have had this talk a long time ago.
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Grampa: What's the matter, boy?
Grampa: You haven't said boo all night and usually I have to wrestle the bucket out of your greasy mitts.
Homer: Dad, I'm in love.
Grandpa: Uh-oh. Why don't you grab yourself a beer, boy.
Homer: But, Dad, I don't drink.
Grandpa: Cut the crap! (Imitating Homer) I just collect the cans, Daddy! (Normal) Now, grab yourself a beer and get me one, too.
- Permalink: What's the matter, boy? Nothing. You haven't said boo all ...
Homer: I just want you to know that I love you, Dad.
Grampa: You do?
Grampa: Oh, son, I love you too. Hey, how about a hug?
(Homer and Abe hug)
Grampa: Sonny boy!
Homer: My old man.
(Homer crosses "Make peace with Dad" on his list.)
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Let's go! If I'm not back at the home by nine they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance!
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Patty: When is that boy going to apologize?
Selma: He sure is stubborn.
Grampa: Homer was never stubborn. He always folded instantly over everything. It was as if he had no will of his own. Isn't that true, Homer?
Homer: Yes, dad!
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Grampa: What's your hurry?
Homer: This place is depressing.
Grampa: Hey!I live here!
Homer: I'm sure it's a blast once you get used to it.
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Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
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Homer: Aw, twenty dollars? I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
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