So you're suggesting I should dump this whole writer thing and reinvent myself as a Hollywood manwhore?

Hank: Hideous creatures these teenage girls.
Felicia: Monstrous, couldn't agree with you more.
Hank: Is it too late to drown them in the tub?

Jackie: Writing is just a - a pipe dream. You can't really make a living doing something like that. Actually, that's how you end up teaching.
Hank: Ouch!

Jackie: Are you ok?
Hank: No, I just got my ass kicked by a J-crew catalog - I'm not OK.

Hank: This is frowned upon.
Jackie: Give me a break. You once spent an entire class ranting about how much you hate Coldplay. Something tells me you could care less about what's frowned upon.
Hank: Still one of my favorite lectures.

Hank: You still love me?
Karen: Always, that's the problem.

Do we think the ladies have gone too far with the sex positive feminism? I mean I know they're all down with the pornography and the shaved pudenda and what not, but do we really think this is the path to liberation?

Are you sexually harassing me right now? Because if you are, I think I'm going to have to report you - for giving me a serious boner.

She's not much one for chatting - texting, yes - twittering, tweeting, twatting, staring solemnly at the old man.

You ladies really are the most amazing creatures - my life's work. But then there's the morning after - the hangover, the realization that I'm not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. and she's gone and I'm haunted by yet another road not taken.

You know maybe if you just relaxed for half a second, and stopped looking so hard for the appropriate life mate, then you might wake up one morning next to one.

Hank: At least I'm not tucking my dong in class, not with my pants off anyway.
Felicia: Have you taken the sexual harassment seminar yet?

Californication Quotes

Welcome to the place where time stands still, where whiskey flows and always will. Your liver never pickles your heart never aches. You can fuck till your dick is cunt-ent.

Lou

I feel like the good lord himself picked me up with his bare hands, laid me down on a bed of rusty nails, pinned my ankles behind my ears and just stuck it in. No Vaseline no lube no nothin. Not even a little spittle. That mother fu-ker just took his Darth Vader helmet, that big Darth Vader helmet and just rammed it home. He wrecked my pretty little virgin a--hole, my sweet little brown bud. Pulled out, came on my t-ts, wiped his di-k on the curtains and left me for dead. That's just me. How bout you guys?

Hank