I am saying that if you can do anything else with your life right now, anything at all, I think maybe you should do that the world doesn't need any more lame vampire fiction, you know what I'm saying? You with me amigo?

Hank: Wait a second...you guys are stoned!
Becca: Dad, please!
Hank: Tell me where you got the weed, I will kill the motherf***er, tell me!
Becca: In your typewriter.

Charlie: I've been collecting passes all morning. it's too long, it's too self-indulgent, it's too hateful, too misogynistic, it's too soft, it's too mean-spirited..
Hank: Like those are bad things?

I know you're saving the planet and all, but it doesn't give you the right to be an asshole!

Life is too short to dance with fat girls.

It'd be nice if I could fellate myself while farting the White album, but I haven't quite mastered that yet.

We have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The Internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it's really given us is Howard Dean's aborted candidacy and 24-hour a day access to kiddie porn.

Nobody likes you. You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you f--cking douche!

Well, you should've called. I wouldn't have answered, but you coulda left a message, which I would've quickly erased.

A morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness.

I won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister.

I just get so lonely sometimes. I need a hug for a moment and the moment passes. I'm good. Smell you later.

Californication Quotes

I feel like the good lord himself picked me up with his bare hands, laid me down on a bed of rusty nails, pinned my ankles behind my ears and just stuck it in. No Vaseline no lube no nothin. Not even a little spittle. That mother fu-ker just took his Darth Vader helmet, that big Darth Vader helmet and just rammed it home. He wrecked my pretty little virgin a--hole, my sweet little brown bud. Pulled out, came on my t-ts, wiped his di-k on the curtains and left me for dead. That's just me. How bout you guys?

Hank

Welcome to the place where time stands still, where whiskey flows and always will. Your liver never pickles your heart never aches. You can fuck till your dick is cunt-ent.

Lou