Sundays 8:00 PM on FOX
The-simpsons

Helen Lovejoy: That animal of yours is certainly bad-tempered.
Lisa: Yeah, well you'd be grumpy, too if you were taken out of your natural habitat and gawked at by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels.
Cletus: (Pointing at Lisa) Hey, Ma! Look at that pointed-haired-ed little girl! (Chuckles)

Ned: What do you think, Reverend?
Reverend Lovejoy: Once something has been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
Crowd: Yeah!
Mr. Burns: By building a casino, I could tighten my stranglehold on this dismal town!
Crowd: Yeah!
(Barney burps)
Crowd: Yeah!

Reverend Lovejoy: Everyone is saying "Gabbo this" and "Gabbo that". But no one is saying "Worship this" and "Jericho that".
Jasper: What's this about Gabbo?

Reverend Lovejoy: (Reading from bible) And the Lord said, whack ye all the serpants which crawl on their bellies and thy town shall be a beacon unto others. (Long pause) So you see Lisa, even God himself endorses Wacking Day.
Lisa: Lemme see that.
Reverend Lovejoy: (Puts bible behind him) ...Mmmmmmm, no.

Homer: The other day, I was so desperate for a beer that I ate the sand under the bleachers at a football game.
Reverend Lovejoy: I cast thee out!

Homer: God Himself told me I should seek a new path.
Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, really...
Homer: Yeah. He appeared before me in a dream, and I knew that was special because I usually dream about naked... Marge.

Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
Reverend Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and
neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Christian (Ned), Jew (Krusty), or ... miscellaneous (Apu).
Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
Reverend Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.

Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, you remember Matthew 21-27, "The Foolish man who built his house on sand".
Homer: And you remember Matthew...21-17?
Reverend Lovejoy: And he left them, and went out of the city into Bethany; and he lodged there?
Homer: Yeah...(regains confidence) think about it.

Ned: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.
Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it, asparagus?
Ned: No, Reverend, the point is, he said a bad word!
Lovejoy: Oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things stuff up from someplace. Find out who's doing it anddirect them to the Bible.
Ned: Where in the Bible?
Lovejoy: UhPage 900.
Ned: But Rev-- (Lovejoy hangs up)
Lovejoy: Damn Flanders.

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