The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXFavorite Homer Simpson Quotes
This doesn't happen in America! Maybe in Ohio--but not America!
Homer
Sylvia: My horoscope told me I would meet the man of my dreams today.
Homer: Well, a horoscope wouldn't lie to a pretty girl like you.
Homer: How many times must I say I'm sorry?
Marge: You haven't said you're sorry.
Homer: I know. I was hoping the number would be zero.
Patty: I can't believe Homer ruined another family barbecue.
Homer: (offended) Hey! Everybody pees in the pool!
Patty: Not from the diving board!
(Marge and Homer are kissing in the back of the peddle car)
Bart: Knock it off back there!
Homer: But we're married!
Bart: Ok, but keep it PG.
Homer: How about R?
Bart: PG-13.
Homer: Woohoo! Adult situations!
(Marge and Homer continue kissing)
Marge: I can't believe one of the most beautiful moments in our marriage is based on lies!
Homer: You're just as bad as me, and you used to be better, so that makes you worse!
(After Lisa loses the crossword puzzle tournament)
Lisa: Oh, I blew it again.
Homer: She blew it again! Woo-Hoo!
(The bartender approaches Homer with a large tray of money)
Bartender: (Disdainfully) Here's your money, soaked in your daughter's tears.
Homer: You know for a bartender-bookie, you're awfully judgmental.
Homer: Sweetie, will you please look at daddy!
Lisa: You stopped being my daddy when you bet against me! All I have now is a mom. That's why I'm taking her maiden name. So from now on, my name is Lisa Bouvier!
(Homer gasps)
Nelson: Hey, Mr. S. Lisa B.
Homer: Nooo!
Girl: Would you like to buy some band candy?
Homer: Yeees!
Lisa: Dad, I know this is crazy, but did you plant a message to me in the New York Times crossword puzzle?
Homer: Well, I had a little help from this guy.
(Will Shortz and Merl Reagle appear)
Lisa: (gasps) New York Times crossword editor Will Shortz and master puzzle constructor Merl Reagle!
Merl Reagle: I actually wrote that crossword.
Will Shortz: And I edited it. Now get back to crosswording!
Merl Reagle: (dejected) Yes, sir.
Marge: You're teaching Bart a terrible lesson of intolerance!
Homer: I'm sorry. It's just so fun and easy to judge people based on religion.
Marge: Okay, remember our deal: Everyone gets to return one Christmas present with no hurt feelings. (holds up calendar with "From Bart" sticker) I'm returning this kitten calendar.
Lisa: (holds up identical calendar) Um, I'm also returning this kitten calendar.
Homer: Kitten calendar.
(Maggie holds up kitten calendar)
Bart: Hey, those are 15-month calendars! That gives you three extra kittens.
(The family stares at him blankly. He takes back the calendars)
Bart: That's the last time I get you guys a Christmas present at the last minute. (looks at back of calendar) Man, those are ugly kittens.
Homer: Praise to Oliver.
Mina: That's "Allah."
Homer: Aw, we'll look it up in the Corona.
