The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXHomer Simpson Quotes
Homer: Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed councilmen, boys and girls, retired people with nothing better to do. Danger comes in many, many forms, from the dinosaurs that tormented our cavemen ancestors, to the--
Councilman: Simpson, get to the point!
Homer: I think we should put a stop sign at "D" street and 12th. The other--
Councilman: All in favor?
Councilmen: Aye.
Councilman: Approved. Meeting adjourned. Coffee and maple logs in the lobby.
Homer: Wow. They listened to me.
Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
(Mr. Burns offers Homer the new job of safety inspector)
Mr. Burns: The generous offer I'm making is good for exactly...30 seconds, Simpson.
Homer's Brain: Me, in charge of safety? This place could blow sky high. Nah. I'll concentrate on my work now. Gee, this guy's desk sure is big. I can't let Marge support the family. This guy's got the cleanest shirt I've ever seen. What should I--.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, time's up.
Homer: Mmm, what the hey. I'll take the job.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
Homer: Doc, this is all too much. I mean, my son a genius? How does it happen?
Dr. Pryor: Well, genius-level intelligence is usually the result of heredity and environment.
(Homer looks confused.)
Dr. Pryor: Although, in some cases, it's a total mystery.
Marge: Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without, mmm, hmm--What's that word where you encourage something to grow?
Bart and Homer: (Both mumble "I don't know," in unison.)
Lisa: Nurturing.
Marge: Nurturing your brilliant brain, so I got tickets to the opera tonight. Hurry up. Get dressed. It starts at 8:00.
Bart: Oh, Mom. Not tonight!
Homer: Come on, Bart, your mother's only trying to help, so go ahead and enjoy the show.
Marge: Homer, you're going too.
Homer: But I'm not a genius. Why should I suffer?
(At the breakfast table.)
Marge: Bart, this is a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious?
Homer: Nonsense, Marge. Frosted Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today.
(Homer reads the cereal box.)
Homer: It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of this.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: I'm just saying why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up.
(Homer and Marge walk out of the kitchen.)
Lisa: I don't care what that stupid test says, Bart. You're a dimwit.
Bart: Maybe so, but from now on this dimwit is on easy street.
Don't be discouraged, son. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
Homer
Dr. Pryor: The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course, but, uh, you can see it's beyond the range of any doubt.
(Dr. Pryor hands Homer a slip of paper with Bart's IQ on it.)
Homer: Nine hundred and twelve!
Dr. Pryor: Uh, no. You have it upside-down. It's two hundred and sixteen.
Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, one day you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations. You may outsmart someone.
Homer
(Homer brings home Santa's Little Helper.)
Marge: Oh, this is the best gift of all, Homer!
Homer: It is?
Marge: Yes. Something to share our love and frighten prowlers.
Lisa: What's his name?
Homer: Number 8--Uh, I mean Santa's Little Helper.
Barney: I got me a part time job working as a Santa down at the mall.
Homer: Wow, can I do that?
Barney: I dunno, they're pretty selective. (Barney belches loudly)
Bart: Ah, come on, Dad. This can be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us!
Homer: Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?
