Homer Simpson Quotes
Herb: Welcome to my home, brother.
(Herb waves his arm towards his mansion.)
Homer: Holy moly! The bastard's rich!
- Permalink: Welcome to my home, brother. (<i>Herb waves his arm towards his...
(Homer visits the Shelbyville Orphanage in search of his brother.)
Director: I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson. I myself have spent years searching for my long-lost twin brother.
Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking for my brother today. Can you tell me his name?
Director: Hmm. According to our records, a Mr. and Mrs. Powell adopted your brother and named him Herbert.
Homer: Herbert! Herbert Powell! Great! Where can I find him?
Director: (Sighs) I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to release that information.
Homer: Oh, please, please! This is my life we're talking about here. Please!
Director: Well, I--I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson. After all your brother could be anywhere. (Reaches across his desk, grabs Homer's hands and stares him in the eye.) Even Detroit.
Homer: I know he could be anywhere, that's why I want you to narrow it down! Please!
Director: You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, (Points at Herb's file folder) the city of Brotherly Love isn't Philadelphia. It's...Detroit.
Homer: Well, if you ask me, changing the subject makes you the most worthless, heartless excuse for a human being I ever--
Director: Read between the lines, you fool
Homer: Oh! Oh, I get it! Okay. (Puts a twenty dollar bill on the Director's desk.) Here's twenty bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives?
Director: Mr. Simpson, I don't want your--
Homer: Just take it and tell me!
Director: (Frustrated) Detroit. He lives in Detroit.
Homer: (Sarcastically) Fine! Thank you!
- Permalink: (<i>Homer visits the Shelbyville Orphanage in search of his brot...
(Bart and Lisa bicker at the dinner table.)
Homer: Quiet, you kids! If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
Bart and Lisa: (In unison) Dad!
Homer: Not one word!
(Bart and Lisa trade insults via sign language and giggle at each other.)
Homer: I thought I said knock it off.
Lisa: We didn't say anything.
Bart: Not one word.
Homer: Well, no "pantomomine" either.
- Permalink: (<i>Bart and Lisa bicker at the dinner table</i>.) Quiet, you ...
(Homer attempts to contact his long lost brother over the phone)
Marge: Any luck, Homey?
Homer: No, I called all three Herbert Powells in Detroit. Nothing.
Marge: Hmm. Well, you wanna try that H. Powell? (Points in phonebook)
Homer: H.! Of course! That could stand for Herbert! It's a long shot, but--(Dials the phone)
- Permalink: (<i>Homer attempts to contact his long lost brother over the pho...
(Homer introduces his kids to Herb.)
Herb: So, Lisa, are you the little hell-raiser your father told me about?
Lisa: No, sir. I can assure I'm not.
Bart: (Proudly) I'm the little hell-raiser, sir.
Marge: Would you like to hold the baby, Herb?
Herb: Oh, I'm afraid I wouldn't know how.
Homer: (Holding Maggie in one arm.) Oh, what's to know? Just dive in. Catch! (Tosses Maggie over to Herb.)
Herb: Oh! (Catches Maggie in his arms and smells her.) God, that new baby smell. Homer, you're the richest man I know.
Homer: (In awe) I feel the same about you.
- Permalink: (<i>Homer introduces his kids to Herb</i>.) So, Lisa, are you ...
(Herb gives the Simpsons a tour of his mansion.)
Herb: While you're here, I want you to make yourselves right at home. Anytime you're hungry, anytime day or night, Cook will make you anything you want.
Homer: Even pork chops?
Herb: Absolutely. We have a tennis court, a swimming pool, a screening room--
Homer: You mean, if I want pork chops, even in the middle of the night, your guy will fry 'em up?
Herb: Sure. That's what he's paid for. Now, if you need towels, laundry--
Homer: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Let me see if I've got this straight. It's Christmas day, 4:00 a.m., there's a rumble in my stomach--
Marge: Homer, please!
Herb: (Laughs and grabs Homer around the shoulder.) Your old man sure loves pork chops!
Bart: (Laughs) He sure does, Uncle Herb.
- Permalink: (<i>Herb gives the Simpsons a tour of his mansion</i>.) While ...
(Homer's artsy commercial for his newly designed car: The commercial uses far away shots of Homer driving the car on a mountain road overlooking the ocean and up close shots of Homer inside the car.)
Woman: (Off camera and singing.) Whatever Homer wants
Homer: (Narrating) All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way.
Woman: (Off camera and singing.) Homer gets.
Homer: (Narrating) Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball. Now, at last, I have found it.
(A title card reads: "Homer, The Car Built for Homer.")
- Permalink: The commercial uses far away shots of Homer driving the car on a...
Homer: Hmm. But enough about Bart. Tell me, Principal Skinner, are you married?
Principal Skinner: Well, only to my job.
Homer: But if you weren't married to your job, you'd tend to go for a girl, right?
Principal Skinner: (chuckles) Well, of course.
- Permalink: Hmm. But enough about Bart. Tell me, Principal Skinner, are you ...
(Bart prank calls Moe's from Principal Skinner's office.)
Bart: Hello? Is Homer there?
Moe: Homer who?
Bart: Homer (Lowers his voice) Sexual.
Moe: Wait one second. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual.
(The entire bar laughs at Moe.)
Homer: Don't look at me! (Laughs)
Moe: Oh no... you rotten little punk, if I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
(Principal Skinner takes the phone from Bart.)
Principal Skinner: You'll do what, young man?
Moe: What--what? Wait. Who--who is this?
Principal Skinner: I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson?!
Moe: Whoa, whoa. Sorry. Principal Skinner, sorry. It's--it's a bad connection, I think. (Hands phone to Homer.) Gah, it's for you. I think Bart is in trouble again.
- Permalink: <i>(Bart prank calls Moe's from Principal Skinner's office.)</i>...