Homer Simpson Quotes
"But" nothing, Marge. She's a heifer, plain and simple, and--(Selma walks into the room.)--Ooh! There's the little prom queen now.
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(Marge orders Homer to find Selma a man fit to be her husband.)
Marge: Homer, you will find her a man!
Homer: All right.
Marge: And not just any man.
Marge: He should be honest and, and caring and well off and handsome!
Homer: Hey, why should she have a better husband than you do?
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Homer: Marge, honey, I've got five words to say to you: (Counts on fingers) Greasy Joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit!
Marge: Oh, Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to six servings a week?
Homer: Marge, I'm only human!
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(Marge and the kids come home from shopping.)
Homer: Oh, hey, hey. Family, family, come here. I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable!
Bart and Lisa: (In unison) Cable!?
(The kids excitedly clamour in front of the TV.)
Homer: That's right, 68 channels. MTV for the kids, (To Marge) VH-1 for us. Sixteen hundred hours of quality programming, every day!
Marge: Homer, we've talked about cable before. Do you really think we can afford it?
Homer: (Chuckles) Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can swing that.
Marge: Mmm. Are you sure this is legal?
Homer: Don't worry, Marge. Take a look at this.
(Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So, You've Decided To Steal Cable.")
Marge: (Reads from pamphlet) "Myth: It's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies. Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less, and are repeated ad nauseam." Hmm. I don't know.
Homer: (Enticingly) Marge.
(Homer turns the channel.)
Woman Announcer: Hear Me Roar, the network for women.
Woman TV Host: In the next half-hour, we'll show you how to cut your first-aid bill in half by making your own band-aids.
Marge: Ooh, that's a good idea.
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(Homer watches a Jerry Seinfeld type comedian on TV.)
Comedian: Don't you hate it when you go to the bathroom and there's no toilet paper?
(Homer and the TV audience laugh.)
Homer: It's funny 'cause it's true!
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(Apu arrives for the big fight.)
Apu: Oh, hello, Mrs. Homer! I've brought an assortment of jerkies.
(Apu hands Marge the jerkies.)
Homer: Ooh, did you swipe those from work?
Apu: Oh, certainly not. What has been implied here?
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(Marge inquires about Sunday school.)
Marge: So, what did you children learn about today?
Bart: Well, that's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't tell you we learned about hell unless I say "hell," can I?
Homer: Eh, The lad has a point.
Bart: Hell, yes!
Bart: (Singing) Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.
Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school. Don't swear!
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(In bed, Homer and Marge argue about the illegal cable.)
Marge: But Homer, I'm afraid that cable has become an evil presence in our home.
Homer: (Sternly) Marge, I never put my foot down about anything.
Homer: But I am severely tempted to do it over this. (Raises foot)
Marge: Oh, Homer.
Homer: Marge, I'm sorry. I think it's coming down.
Marge: No, Homer! Not--
Homer: (Sticks foot over floor) It's coming down. My foot, it's--
Homer: That's it, Marge. The cable stays. The foot has spoken. (Slams foot down)
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Marge: When I got home I realized who I should have gone to the prom with.
Homer: Who? (Realizing) Oh.
Marge: My prom date.
Homer: Marge, pour vous.
Marge: Why so glum?
Homer: I've got a problem. As soon as you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you, and kiss you, and then I'll never be able to let you go! (Fade back to the present) And I never have...
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