The Simpsons

Homer Simpson Quotes (Page 28)

Lisa: Dad, we have to do something all the bees are dying!
Homer: (sarcastically) Oh, no! No bees! Ooh, now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwiches?
Lisa: But, Dad! Bees pollinate flowers.
Homer: Pfft. Flowers, the painted whores of the plant world.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(After Homer shows Lisa the hive containing the new hybrid bees he and Moe had created)
Lisa: They sound awfully mad. Are they dangerous?
Homer: Hmm, I'm not sure. Let me check. (Lifts the lid of the hive) Are you guys dangerous? (The bees fly out of the hive and knock Homer down) A simple "Yes" would've sufficed!
 • Rating: Unrated

Bashir: (holding Bart's slingshot) Bart forgot this, sir.
Homer: Sir? That's the kind of respect you'd have to strangle out of an American kid.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Marge! I was right! Everybody is whatever I think they are!
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Praise to Oliver.
Mina: That's "Allah."
Homer: Aw, we'll look it up in the Corona.
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: Okay, remember our deal: Everyone gets to return one Christmas present with no hurt feelings. (holds up calendar with "From Bart" sticker) I'm returning this kitten calendar.
Lisa: (holds up identical calendar) Um, I'm also returning this kitten calendar.
Homer: Kitten calendar.
(Maggie holds up kitten calendar)
Bart: Hey, those are 15-month calendars! That gives you three extra kittens.
(The family stares at him blankly. He takes back the calendars)
Bart: That's the last time I get you guys a Christmas present at the last minute. (looks at back of calendar) Man, those are ugly kittens.
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: You're teaching Bart a terrible lesson of intolerance!
Homer: I'm sorry. It's just so fun and easy to judge people based on religion.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Marge, I'm going to a hardcore gay club and won't be home until three in the morning!
Marge: Have fun!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lisa: Dad, I know this is crazy, but did you plant a message to me in the New York Times crossword puzzle?
Homer: Well, I had a little help from this guy.
(Will Shortz and Merl Reagle appear)
Lisa: (gasps) New York Times crossword editor Will Shortz and master puzzle constructor Merl Reagle!
Merl Reagle: I actually wrote that crossword.
Will Shortz: And I edited it. Now get back to crosswording!
Merl Reagle: (dejected) Yes, sir.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Sweetie, will you please look at daddy!
Lisa: You stopped being my daddy when you bet against me! All I have now is a mom. That's why I'm taking her maiden name. So from now on, my name is Lisa Bouvier!
(Homer gasps)
Nelson: Hey, Mr. S. Lisa B.
Homer: Nooo!
Girl: Would you like to buy some band candy?
Homer: Yeees!
 • Rating: Unrated

Are we missing your favorite quote from "?" Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!