The Simpsons

Sundays 8:00 PM on FOX
The simpsons
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Homer: How would you like to be stacked naked in a pile and while a hillbilly girl points and laughs at you?
Cletus: That was our last Christmas card!

Hey baby. Ya' like obstacle courses?

(Homer peers out of a manhole cover at oncoming tanks)
Homer: Bring it on chumps!
(Tank runs over the manhole he's peeping out of)
Homer: Oooh! Fingers, fingers fingers!

Marge: Homer our son joined the army!
Homer: Yeah big deal. By the time Bart is eighteen we're gonna control the world We're China right?

Sergeant: Gentleman, I'm going to be frank; never before has the ARMY accepted recruits with such low test scores.
Homer: That's an odd way to start handing out medals!

(In "Married to the Blob," Marge and Homer cuddle in the hammock in the back yard.)
Marge: Look! A shooting star!
Homer: Hey, that's great. Let's look at it after.
(Homer turns Marge's head for a kiss and while the two make out, the meteorite sears through Marge's hair and slams into the ground.)
Marge: Whoa! That almost tore my head off.
Homer: (Whining) Oh, you always find an excuse not to make out.

(In "Married to the Blob," as Homer wanders through Springfield looking for things to eat, he happens upon a beach party full of teenagers.)
Homer: Ooh, teenagers! Mmm! (Gurgles and drools) No, today's teens have enough problems without me eating them!
Teenage Girl: Barbeque sauce fight!
(All the teens start squirting each other with Barbeque sauce, Squeaky Voiced Teen gets hit with some sauce and falls into a bonfire.)
Squeaky Voiced Teen: (Screaming) The flames are sealing in my juices!
Homer: I'll savor you!
(Homer grabs Squeaky Voiced Teen and takes a bite out of him.)
Homer: Mmm! Extra-virgin. (Gurgles and drools)
(Homer starts stuffing Squeaky Voiced Teen into his mouth.)
Squeaky Voiced Teen: (Screaming) Tell my friends I died kissing a girl!
Homer: No!
(Homer swallows Squeaky Voiced Teen.)

(In "Married to the Blob," after eating the green goo, Homer's stomach rumbles and he wakes up in a zombie-like trance.)
Homer: Must eat, then poop, then eat some more, then eat while pooping.
(Homer heads down to the kitchen and raids the refrigerator.)
Homer: (Panting) Still hungry.
(Bart stumbles into the kitchen to see what is going on.)
Bart: Dad?
Homer: Son, let me have a lick at you.
(Homer stuffs Bart into his mouth and tries to eat him. Marge walks into the kitchen and clicks on the light.)
Marge: Homer! You won't eat my stuffed peppers, but you'll eat our son?
Homer: Nag, nag, nag.
(Homer pulls a squirming Bart out of his mouth.)

(In "Married to the Blob," a meteorite crashes in the Simpson family back yard and splits open, revealing a glowing green goo.)
Homer: Whoo! A space marshmallow!
(Homer plucks the goo with a stick and tries to eat the goo, which keeps trying to avoid Homer's mouth.)
Homer: Uh? Where do you think you're going?
Lisa: Dad, no! It could teach us the secret of interstellar travel.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he can't stay out of my mouth?
(The goo struggles in Homer's mouth before finally being swallowed.)
Marge: How could you eat that goo? You don't know what galaxy it's from.
Homer: Marge, I ate it. It's over.
(The goo tries to seep out of Homer's nose.)
Homer: Whoa! Oh, no, you don't!
(A determined Homer repeatedly snorts the goo back into his nose.)
Homer: If I can keep down Arby's, I can keep down you!

(In "Married to the Blob," Homer happens upon an Oktoberfest festival while roaming through the streets of Springfield on an eating rampage.)
Homer: (Gasps) Ooh. Beer-battered Germans.
(The crowd screams and scatters as Homer eats a couple Germans.)
German Man: What did we Germans ever do to deserve this?
(A second German man looks disapprovingly back at the other German.)
German Man: (Realizing) Oh, right.
(The two Germans dissolve inside of Homer's stomach.)
Homer: (Zombie-like) Must eat more fat people. Thank God I'm in America.

(In "Married to the Blob," Dr. Phil and Homer's family try to intervene during an eating rampage.)
Dr. Phil: Homer, your family's here. And you've gotta help me help them help you help me help you.
Homer: Marge, I missed you. All this eating has put me in the mood for a little lovin' (Purrs sexily)
Marge: I have to be honest with you: I can't love a 4,000 ton cannibal.
Homer: What happened to "for better or for worse?!"
Bart: Dad, you're eating Dr. Phil.
Homer: (Licks fingers) It's amazing. He tastes just like Jeffery Tambor.
(Dr. Phil can be seen grunting and struggling inside Homer's stomach.)
Dr. Phil: Food does not equal love!
(Dr. Phil perishes inside Homer's stomach.)

Radio: Astronomers say the ominous capsules originated from Earth's closest neighbor.
Homer: Flanders?
Radio: Mars!

Displaying quotes 325 - 336 of 1527 in total

The Simpsons Quotes

Wow, now I see why they call you Miss Hoover. You must have been vacuuming for an hour.

Bart

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

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