Sheldon: What are you doing?
Howard: If you're gonna be a crappy teacher, then I'm gonna be a crappy student.

Sheldon: I recently read that during World War Two, Joseph Stalin had a research program to create supersoldiers by having women impregnated by gorillas.
Howard: What a sick use of science.
Raj: Hey, as long as the baby's healthy.
Amy: I wonder if Stalin considered any other animals.
Leonard: Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.
Howard: Yes, but when they're hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles.
Sheldon: Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn't be attacked.

Howard: Creepy chummy, like you and your dog.
Raj: She feeds him out of her own mouth?
Howard: I mean, he calls her Debbie, she calls him Stewie and they're all giggly around each other. And believe me, when food goes in that mouth, it does not come out.

Raj: Boy, I'm so hungry today. I wonder why?
Howard: Because you had sex the other night?
Raj: You know what? That may be it. By the way, it isn't like riding a bike. Like, I fell off a few times.

Welcome to Team Putz.

Bernadette: You know, you're always talking about having a baby someday. This is exactly what it's gonna be like.
Howard: No, it's not.
Bernadette: Come on. The constant fussing, eating, pooping, burping, drooling. We're even waiting for the day when she can finally walk on her own.
Howard: Maybe you're right. Anything she finds on the floor goes right in her mouth.

Raj: If she isn't gonna use it, then why are we doing this?
Howard: She'll use it. All I need is to rig it with a fishing pole and a Honey Baked Ham.

You're being so quiet. Are you upset or are you just rebooting?

Raj: Why can't I be in a relationship with a girl who likes The Sound of Music?
Howard: Raj, you are the girl in the relationship who likes The Sound of Music..

Howard: Oh, come on-- she could have a freezer full of ex-boyfriend's body parts and you'd still go out with her.
Raj: I do like that the ex-boyfriend's out of the picture.

Raj: You know, when Cinnamon won't take her medicine, I hide it in a piece of cheese.
Howard: Good idea. We can wrap the pill in cheese, feed it to Cinnamon, and then my mom can eat Cinnamon.

Bernadette: How's your soup?
Howard: Ah, it's all right. They could've filled the bowl a little more.
Raj: [Laughs}
Howard: Excuse me.
Bernadette: Where are you going?
Howard: I need some fresh air.
Emily: Been there.

TBBT Quotes

Penny: Here's a question-- as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?
Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?
Penny: Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.
Sheldon: Well, if it's part of the prom experience, then I'm open to it.
Penny: You're kidding.
Sheldon: I may be an alien, but I have urges.If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I'm not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you're a little turned on.

Raj: Well, to paraphrase Shakespeare: It's better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography.
Penny: Oh... you poor baby.
Raj: What's wrong with me, Penny?
Penny: Nothing, nothing. You know, if we weren't friends - and you hadn't brought up that creepy pornography story - I'd be on you like the speed of light squared on matter to make energy.
Raj: Hey, you totally got that right. E = MC squared.
Penny: I listen. I have no idea what it means, but I listen.