Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Jake: I'm her son.. she has to be proud of me.
Alan: You think so, huh? Have you met my mother?
Jake: Oh, yeah

Jake: Could you get my dad to lay off the father-son stuff? It's kind of lame.
Charlie: "Lame?" You think it's lame your father cares so much about you, he wants nothing more than to be a part of your life?
Jake: Yeah

Charlie: Hey, what's your hurry? If she becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony.
Alan: Yeah! And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives.
Jake: I don't know if I'll eat that bacon

Alan: Just pick out a present that reflects your grandmother.
Jake: Like what?
Charlie: How about a grizzly bear ripping apart a salmon?

Jake: Yo, check out the bling!
Charlie: Jake, I'm not going to tell you again. You're a pasty, white kid. Start acting like one

Berta [on Charlie]: I wish you could have seen him in his prime. He was like Babe Ruth.
Jake: He played baseball?
Berta: No, he was a drunken whore-monger

Jake: Hey, Berta, wanna hear something cool? The ancient Romans had a place called a vomitorium where people could eat as much as they wanted, puke, and then eat some more.
Berta: Well, just like the Sizzler

Jake: He wants me to stay here tonight so he and mom can have sex.
Alan: Oh, Jake, I'm sure that's not the reason. Right, Herb?
Herb: No, that's pretty much it.

Jake: I'm still awake!
Judith: Happy?
Herb: I may never be happy again

Jake: Can I get my ear pierced?
Alan: No.
Jake: Why not?
Charlie: You can't keep the holes you have clean

Charlie: This is kind of exciting. [unwraps gift] Fart in a Can?
Jake: You don't have one, do you?
Charlie: Well, I've got you, but this is good for travel

Jake: Stuff never goes back in the box the way it came out.
Charlie: That's a life lesson, Jake

Displaying quotes 133 - 144 of 275 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

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