Jake Harper Quotes
Jake: I started algebra.
Alan: Oh, really? How do you like it?
Jake: Eh, I don't get it at all, but the teacher's really hot.
Jake: Yeah, she's got some really great racks.
Alan: Um, don't you mean "rack"?
Jake: No, she's got two, and they're ginormous!
- Permalink: I started algebra. Oh, really? How do you like it? Eh, I don...
Alan: Oh, hey, how was Santa Barbara?
Jake: Santa Barbra? It's Spanish for "city of great racks."
- Permalink: Oh, hey, how was Santa Barbara? Santa Barbra? It's Spanish for...
Charlie: Getting hit in the face hurts. But you know what hurts more?
Jake: A kick in the crotch?
- Permalink: Getting hit in the face hurts. But you know what hurts more? A...
Charlie: So, junior high eh? Boy, that brings back some memories. Doesn't it, Alan?
Alan: Can we please not go down that road?
Jake: What happened?
Alan: Nothing, it's just that kids in junior high can be a little judgmental.
Berta: Especially if you're knocked-up.
Alan: Thank you, Berta.
Berta: Of course on the upside, pregnant chicks didn't have to go to gym.
Charlie: Did the guys who got 'em pregnant get any consideration... nooo. Not even a hall pass.
- Permalink: So, junior high eh? Boy, that brings back some memories. Doesn't...
Alan: You'll see things will go great for you. You just have to remember a few things.
Jake: Like what?
Alan: Well, er, always keep your lunch money in your shoe, but have some spare change in your pocket.
Jake: How come?
Alan: Decoy money. They won't stop hitting you til they get something.
Jake: Who are "they"?
Alan: The big kids holding you by the ankles and plunging your head into the toilet.
Jake: Plunging my head into the toilet?!
Charlie: Don't freak the kid out, Alan. It's not so much "plunging" as "dipping."
- Permalink: You'll see things will go great for you. You just have to rememb...
Alan: Oh, I almost forgot, I got you a little present: your very own cellphone.
Jake: Ah, cool!
Alan: Now, the important thing to remember is that this is not a toy. It's to use in emergencies only.
Jake: "Emergenies?" What emergencies?
Charlie: (whispering) "Dad, come get me. I'm stuffed in my locker and my underwear is wet."
Alan: That only happened once.
- Permalink: Your very own cellphone. Ah, cool! Now, the important thing ...
Jake: About what?
Alan: I need a current picture in case you go missing.
Charlie: Alan, you're being ridiculous, they never find those kids.
- Permalink: Smile. About what? I need a current picture in case you go m...
Alan: How do they feel?
Jake: OK, but they're ugly. They look like old people shoes.
Alan: They're not old people shoes. They're walking shoes.
Charlie: Right, for people who've been walking over eighty-five years.
- Permalink: How do they feel? OK, but they're ugly. They look like old peo...
Jake: Do I look okay?
Charlie: Jake, she waved at you, she smiled, clearly her standards aren't that high.
Jake: Right, thanks.
- Permalink: Do I look okay? Jake, she waved at you, she smiled, clearly he...