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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan [about the party]: Are her parents going to be there?
Jake: I guess.
Charlie: Let the fathers who have girls worry about that

Alan: What's going on in school?
Jake: Nothing
Alan: Nothing? You just sit there all day and stare at the wall?
Jake: That's where the clock is.

Jake: She say what I'm in trouble for?
Charlie: Nope.
Jake: Boy, it's the not knowing that drives you crazy.
Charlie: Yeah, like a pregnancy test

Alan: Jake, what are we going to do? You've really fallen behind this year.
Jake: I know, I think it's a delayed reaction to your divorce.
Alan: Oh?
Jake: Yeah, it took awhile, but my teachers have finally stopped feeling sorry for me

Jake: We had a surprise test today.
Alan: And?
Jake: I was really surprised

# Charlie: You ever see a kid at school who doesn't like his lunch, but he won't let you have it. either?
Jake: Oh, yeah, Russell Beasley. He'll spit on his apple cobbler before he'll let anybody else eat it.
Charlie: Well, this is pretty much the same deal, except your Mom is Russell Beasley, and your Dad is the spit-covered cobbler.
Jake: I don't understand.
Charlie: Even though your mom doesn't want your dad, she doesn't want Kandi to eat him, either.
Jake: Oh. You know, I like cobbler with ice cream.
Charlie: Way to follow a train of thought.
Jake: Thanks.

Jake: Who's that?
Rose: Gordon, my boyfriend.
Jake: How come he's not allowed in?
Rose: I'm trying to avoid an awkward situation.
Charlie: Too late.
Jake: You bringing him to my birthday party?
Rose: I don't know. Charlie, is the wound too fresh?
Charlie: I think I can handle it

Jake: What's a booty call?
Charlie: Well, it's... you know this is more of a thing a son should learn from his father.
Jake: Oh, okay.
Charlie: Maybe you should ask him now.
Jake: Alright.
Charlie: I'm going to hell

Jake: I thought you weren't supposed to be smoking and drinking anymore.
Charlie: I thought you weren't supposed to be watching dirty movies anymore.
Jake: Don't change the subject

Jake: Is she going to stay over?
Alan: Yes.
Jake: Where is she going to sleep?
Alan: In my room.
Jake: Ok, but remember, the walls are thin and I'm impressionable

Sandy: Who has room for another eclair?
Alan: Not unless I unbutton my pants.
Charlie: My pants are already unbuttoned.
Jake: I took mine off when she brought the marshmallow yams

Alan: The important thing for you to know is how much I love you.
Jake: You told the waiter that you loved him, too.
Alan: He was a very good waiter

Displaying quotes 169 - 180 of 275 in total

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Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: Let me tell you something about feelings. Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know where they are, but they're best left unfelt.
Rose: It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out that a mother's breasts are a source for nourishment and comfort?
Charlie: Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and Russian vodka

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