Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: I need to talk to you in private.
Charlie: Oh, come on. I was in the middle of flossing and suddenly there she was, sitting on my bed..
Alan: Ah, ah. He doesn't need to hear this...
Jake: Like I didn't hear enough last night

Berta: What's going on?
Jake: I had to sleep in dad's room last night 'cause Uncle Charlie invited Aunt Myra to stay in my room, but it turns out...
Berta: Got it

Alan: All the other men are going to be wearing black tuxedos.
Jake: If all the other men were jumping off a bridge would you want me to do that too?
Alan: If it would keep your mother off my back, yes!

Jake: Excuse me, but if who sleeps in my bed is not my business, then what is?
Alan: Let it go, Goldilocks

Jake: And how many times do you have to get up to go pee?
Alan: I wasn't counting.
Jake: I was! Four.
Alan: Ok, one of those was to get a glass of water.
Jake: Well, that's your problem, stop topping off the tank

Jake: I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.
Alan: Because you're going to a wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo

Jake: I'm her son.. she has to be proud of me.
Alan: You think so, huh? Have you met my mother?
Jake: Oh, yeah

Jake: Could you get my dad to lay off the father-son stuff? It's kind of lame.
Charlie: "Lame?" You think it's lame your father cares so much about you, he wants nothing more than to be a part of your life?
Jake: Yeah

Charlie: Hey, what's your hurry? If she becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony.
Alan: Yeah! And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives.
Jake: I don't know if I'll eat that bacon

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