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Jake: Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]
Charlie: Well, Alan, do you?
Alan: Um... Jake... what do you know what erectile dysfunction?
Jake: Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?
Jake: And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you
- Permalink: Dad? Yeah? Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? Well,...
Charlie: I'm sorry, I forgot. Why are you here in the middle of the week?
Jake: My mom had to take a vacation.
Charlie: From what?
- Permalink: I'm sorry, I forgot. Why are you here in the middle of the week?...
Alan: Come on, Jake. It's time to get up for school.
Jake: I can't go to school, I'm sick.
Alan: What's wrong?
Jake: I think I have acid reflex disease.
Alan: Really? Acid reflex disease? Where does it hurt?
Jake: Um... my head?
Alan: Nice try
- Permalink: Come on, Jake. It's time to get up for school. I can't go to s...
Alan: What's taking you so long?
Jake: I can't find my other shoe.
Alan: So put on a different pair.
Jake: But this one's on already
- Permalink: What's taking you so long? I can't find my other shoe. So pu...
Jake [about his lunch]: An artichoke?
Charlie: Maybe you can trade it for something good.
Jake: With who? One of the slow kids?
Charlie: Give it a shot. Tell him it's a puppy
- Permalink: An artichoke? Maybe you can trade it for something good. Wit...
Jake: Can I have some privacy, please?
Charlie: For what? You're eleven.
Jake: That's close to puberty
- Permalink: Can I have some privacy, please? For what? You're eleven. Th...
Charlie: What would you do if you want to go pee, but you have $500 in the table?
Jake: Go pee?
Charlie: You pee on yourself. Come on, you have pants that cost $50 and $500 that you could win. Do the math.
Jake: So I have to do the math and pee my pants?
- Permalink: What would you do if you want to go pee, but you have $500 in th...
Jake: Well, this is gonna be a sucky weekend.
Charlie: Try spending it with an eleven-year-old who does nothing but complain.
Jake: You mean me?
Charlie: Boy, no wonder they got to write your name in your underwear
- Permalink: Well, this is gonna be a sucky weekend. Try spending it with a...
Jake: What am I supposed to do?
Charlie: Watch TV.
Jake: There's nothing on.
Charlie: Play a video game.
Jake: Played them all.
Charlie: Read a book.
Jake: Yeah, right, who's the moron now?
- Permalink: What am I supposed to do? Watch TV. There's nothing on. Pl...
Charlie: Hey, buddy!
Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie.
Charlie: Ready for a fun weekend?
Judith: He's not going to have a fun weekend, Charlie. He's going to study for a history test on Monday.
Charlie: Hmm. Well, if believing that gets you back into your car, then I'll play along
- Permalink: Hey, buddy! Hey, Uncle Charlie. Ready for a fun weekend? H...
Alan: You earned that A.
Jake: Wendy Chow got an A+.
Evelyn: There, you hear that? Wendy Chow got an A plus.
Alan: Wendy Chow is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! We can't compare Jake to her.
Evelyn: Well, who should we compare him to, then: the paste eaters and the unibrows?
- Permalink: You earned that A. Wendy Chow got an A+. There, you hear tha...
Evelyn: How many kids in your class got an A?
Jake: Almost everybody. Why?
Evelyn: I'm just curious as to how hard the test actually was.
Alan: Doesn't matter, Mom. It's still an A.
Evelyn: And an A is very nice. I just don't see why we should make such a big fuss over it if they're handing them out like rubella vaccinations!
- Permalink: How many kids in your class got an A? Almost everybody. Why? ...