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Two-and-a-half-men

Jake: Hey, Berta, do you wanna see my armpit hair?
Berta: Only if you want to see mine

Jake: Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.
Alan: Thanks, pal!
Jake: You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.

Berta: That's a pretty mouth, but it's not made for singing
Jake: What's it made for?
Alan: Eating
Jake: I thought she meant oral sex

Jake [about his sister]: So far she eats, she poops and she sleeps. I'm not impressed
Berta: Give her a bad hair cut and she'd be you
Jake: Excuse you, I paid $9 for this haircut
Berta: Sorry

Charlie: Alan, smack your kid for me
Alan: Should we really risk more brain damage?
Jake: Thanks for sticking up for me

Charlie: So basically, I asked her to marry me, and she said "yes."
Jake: Hah
Alan: What do you think about that, Jake?
Jake: Good.
Charlie: That's it? Good?
Jake: It's not good?
Charlie: No, it's good.
Jake: That's what I said. Alright, I'm full
Alan: Wears his little heart on his sleeve, doesn't h?.
Charlie: It's my own fault. I should have known better than to talk to him at feeding time

Alan [about the party]: Are her parents going to be there?
Jake: I guess.
Charlie: Let the fathers who have girls worry about that

Alan: What's going on in school?
Jake: Nothing
Alan: Nothing? You just sit there all day and stare at the wall?
Jake: That's where the clock is.

Jake: She say what I'm in trouble for?
Charlie: Nope.
Jake: Boy, it's the not knowing that drives you crazy.
Charlie: Yeah, like a pregnancy test

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