Lamenation Jane? Why don't you just cover it in glitter you cheap whore.

Strength, courage, composure, no carbs.

Max you look like John McEnroe's fat cousin, John Mac n Cheese.

Max: What are all those red arrows for?
Jane: Oh, those are all the areas that need improvements.
Max: But those are all of them.
Jane: Yeah, you've got lots of bad areas. You're like the Oakland of gay guys.

You're right. I don't have to be in charge, even though it's better when I am.

What she did was a strong move by a strong woman. She's basically Mary J. Blige.

Hey forgetti and meatballs, Jason Bourne called and said he remembers more stuff than you.

Winners win and losers lose and alcoholics they just booze. They win at drinking, that's their thing but our thing's just winning. We're Brad and Jane let's start the game. Sup suckas?


Ugh actors are the worst.

Alex: You gave me a serious addiction to candy cigarettes.
Jane: You broke my Bob Dole action figure.

Jane: You use your special skill to save the gym!
Brad: Wait how am supposed to give fourteen consecutive orgasms to a brick building.

Hey Max think I could bum some cereal? Haven't had a carb in four years, feeling nostalgic.

Happy Endings Quotes

My secret is so big that just the tip well be enough.


Dave: Whore's bath?
Penny: Ah yeah David, I did take a whore's bath okay? I had a one night stand and didn't have time to shower so did I rub some dryer sheets on my pits and throw some water on my hush at Au Bon Pain? Yes I did.