Jay Pritchett Quotes
Gloria: I cannot believe he spent 50 dollars on this.
Jay: I know! He could've gotten a two-year subscription to Playboy for that.
Think about it, 14-year-old boy, talks about girls all day long. We have more security on these computers than the Pentagon. What do you think he's doing up there?
Manny: I guess I'm too proud to ask for help.
Jay: Are you kidding? She still cuts your steak.
Jay: He wants more wow. What does that even mean?
Manny: It's the Bieberization of America.
You're not by chance wearing the locket, are you?
Phil: It's just that when you say "Phil is my son-in-law", it sounds like you're saying "Phyllis, my son-in-law."
Jay: That's ridiculous.
Phil: Who is your son-in-law?
Now, the old Jay would have said, 'I wanted to be on a lake with a fishing rod and sunshine. Not bobbing around at night in a swimming pool.' I miss the old Jay.
Twelve times a year I get sausages, that's it. Now what am I going to do until June?
Jay: Sausage-of-the-month club really nailed it in May, but honey, no offense, they almost lost me last month with that chorizo.
Gloria: Why no offense? It's a sausage, it's not on our flag.
Gloria: He thought we were gonna use it all the time, but I keep hitting my boobs with my knees.
Jay: Champagne problems, right?
Jay: This is embarrassing...
Gloria: For the both of us.
Jay: I had botox.
Gloria: Like the ladies use for their wrinkles?