Jay: This is embarrassing...
Gloria: For the both of us.

Jay: I had botox.
Gloria: Like the ladies use for their wrinkles?

Mitchell: This morning, Cam, fully dressed....
Jay: Thank god it's one of those stories.

Jay: How much longer do I have to listen to the Julia Child impression?
Phil: For as long as it's still funny.
Jay: I think the timer just went off on that.

Phil: It's the 21st century. You should get a pair.
Jay: I was gonna suggest the same thing.

Manny: If I'm sick, I might get the chaperone sick. And without the chaperone, it's anarchy! The buddy system falls apart; the principal of last-in, first-out is ignored.
Jay: It's butterflies.
Manny: Where?

Jay: Want some coffee?
Manny: Say yes. It's french press. I was doubtful too, but I honestly can't see myself going back to drip.

Gloria: Where I come from, brothers respect each other.
Jay: That's why Colombia is such a peaceful country.

I'm gonna walk like a man... right to that bar. That would be hilarious if you were familiar with Frankie Valli.

Manny: Hump day, am I right, Jay?
Jay: Your day ends at 2:30.

I was drunk, I'm not going shopping with Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

Manny: I made a reference to The Wiggles and it went right over her head.
Jay: I don't know what that means.
Manny: It's an expression. It means she didn't get it.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Claire: My mom started drinking these cocktails called "horny Colombians" with some of Gloria's uncles, whom apparently the drink was named after
Phil: Oh come, they were funny
Claire: They kept grabbing my butt
Phil: Somebody is full of herself. It's a Colombian wedding tradition.. they said