Hey what do you say we cut our losses? Let's go out to a nice Chinese restaurant and have a traditional Jewish Christmas.

Cam: Why so much tape Jay?
Jay: Why are you wearing a sweater when it's 95 degrees out?
Cam: It's my Christmas sweater!
Jay: Based on those stains, you are the Christmas sweater.

You two needed time with your mom, I've already served time with your mom.

Jay: If you told him the truth he'd thank you later.
Gloria: Like Claire and Mitch, did they thank you?
Jay: Not yet, but it's coming.

The pain must've been bad if I accepted Phil's help.

I can't take another farm story.

Gloria: I cannot believe he spent 50 dollars on this.
Jay: I know! He could've gotten a two-year subscription to Playboy for that.

Think about it, 14-year-old boy, talks about girls all day long. We have more security on these computers than the Pentagon. What do you think he's doing up there?

Manny: I guess I'm too proud to ask for help.
Jay: Are you kidding? She still cuts your steak.

Jay: He wants more wow. What does that even mean?
Manny: It's the Bieberization of America.

You're not by chance wearing the locket, are you?

Phil: It's just that when you say "Phil is my son-in-law", it sounds like you're saying "Phyllis, my son-in-law."
Jay: That's ridiculous.
Phil: Who is your son-in-law?
Jay: Phyllis!

Modern Family Quotes

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.