Jay: What's up with the big sweater at a concert? Some sort of gay thing?
Mitchell: No, it's from this apres-ski party and... yes, it's some sort of gay thing.

Jay: You want scary? When I was his age I lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis. I slept with a butter knife under my pillow in case I had to fight some Soviet colonel.
Gloria: Why?
Jay: Because I could identify all the Commi planes.
Gloria: What are we talking about?!?

Manny: Any suggestions?
Jay: I usually go with earrings

Gloria [at chess]: Look at this, papi!
Jay: Easy, you can't sing "We Are The Champions" without your Queen.

You said that everything you needed to learn you'd learn from Westside Story.

I'm going to teach him the real version, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game, not smuggle stuff out of the country.

Gloria: And you really didn't know he was gay?
Jay: I must have, right?

To this day, Mitchell looks at me, I see him thinking 'that's the guy who killed Flyza Minnelli.'

I've been through this before. When Mitchell was 9, I was supposed to take care of his bird. It got out and flew into a fan. It was like a bloody pillow fight.

Go to dinner with him and wait for the check to come, then you'll see fear in his eyes. It's like the waiter's a ghost.

Manny: Today feels like a good day for halibut. Hey, Jay, did I ever tell you about the time I used peanut butter and jelly for bait?
Jay: I don't know. You tell me a lot of funny things.

Gloria: What about the pigeons?
Jay: I don't like them. They're shifty.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.