Modern Family

Wednesdays 9:00 PM on ABC
Modern family
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We're both with people different from us, and that's gonna create stuff. But you want different.

I could be sitting grill-side watching a guy build an onion volcano. Instead, I got Rico Suave in my kitchen.

Mitchell: Still keeping traditions alive, huh?
Jay: Someone has to. I got two Colombians as home trying to turn Christmas into Cinco de Mayo.
Mitchell: You know that's Mexican right?
Jay: Ahh. Burrito, burr-righto.

Gloria: Every culture has their own traditions. For example, in our culture, the Baby Jesus is the one that brings the presents, not the Santa Claus.
Jay: That's doesn't make sense. How could a new born baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
Manny: At least a baby could fit through a chimney.
Jay: How could you sit on the Baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish him.

[Jay and Manny watching Miracle on 34th Street]
Manny: Are you crying?
Jay: What are you, a robot? It's a deeply emotional movie.

Manny: In Colombia, they open presents at midnight and stay up til morning.
Jay: I'm sure they do, but if you notice from the absence of goats in the streets, we're not in Colombia.

Here's the deal. Girls don't go for all that romantic stuff. They go for power and success. And since you don't have either one of those things, you're gonna be the funny guy.

Haley: This is kind of an important party.
Jay: The last thing you to do is insult someone when they invite you.
Haley: Exactly.
[Jay walks out]
Haley: OMG. That was so easy.
Alex: You really don't understand what just happened, do you?

Gloria [about Haley]: When I was her age I loved my grandfather, but I still wanted to be with boys.
Jay: I know, so did Claire.. and Mitchell.

Gloria: So take back your sword and go fight this sword like a bull!
Manny: Okay.
Gloria: I can't hear you.
Manny: Okay!
Jay: I can't hear you!
Manny: That's really as loud as I can go.

Jay: When I first heard Manny wanted to fence I was like sure, uncoordinated kid, lethal weapon, how could this go wrong?
Gloria: What do you think now?
Jay: I'm proud of our little Zorro

Gloria [about Manny]: It's in his blood. His father was a master swordsman. He was an artist with his sword! I mean, the way he throws the sword, I mean, he was legendary
Jay: You know it's a nice moment I'm having with your son, you're kind of wrecking it

Displaying quotes 169 - 180 of 203 in total