Gloria: And you really didn't know he was gay?
Jay: I must have, right?

To this day, Mitchell looks at me, I see him thinking 'that's the guy who killed Flyza Minnelli.'

I've been through this before. When Mitchell was 9, I was supposed to take care of his bird. It got out and flew into a fan. It was like a bloody pillow fight.

Go to dinner with him and wait for the check to come, then you'll see fear in his eyes. It's like the waiter's a ghost.

Manny: Today feels like a good day for halibut. Hey, Jay, did I ever tell you about the time I used peanut butter and jelly for bait?
Jay: I don't know. You tell me a lot of funny things.

Gloria: What about the pigeons?
Jay: I don't like them. They're shifty.

I only understand about 20% of what goes on around here.

I could have guessed he'd have trouble with roller coasters. That kid gets woozy at barbershops when they spin his chair towards the mirror.

I have to get old... you don't have to get fat.

I mean, for me it's a locker room. For him, it's a showroom.

Cameron: Don't tell me that was your first moon landing.
Jay: You have a name for it?!?

We're guys, we don't open up. We talk about sports and cars and getting up in the middle of the night to pee.