Jay: I’m waiting for a phone call from my doctor’s office. Please rate your prostate exam. Would you say you were satisfied?
Gloria: I hope you weren’t!

Jay: Hi hunnie.
Gloria: I got in trouble.
Jay: Whatever she did, add it to my tab.

I think I’m recording the game but you can never know. The last time I got 6 hours of Bravo.

Jay: Why do you look like that when I look like this?
Manny: My friends say it’s because of your money.

I'm fine, he's only one. I watched him pee into his own face and smile.

Jay: Trees are like women, the best ones make you work just a little bit harder.
Manny: She’s just not that into you.

Closet Con is the premiere North American trade show for the closet industry. I stopped going years ago because it’s a trade show for the closet industry.

He's a weird man. He's like Phil except I have to pay for him.

A thousand therapists couldn't do what Gloria did for me.

Manny: Wow that was very mature of you.
Jay: Yeah well I'm a lot older now than when she started getting dressed.

Manny: She's having her hair blown out.
Jay: That's a thing? That I pay for?

Jay: I won't be able to hear her, she won't be able to see me.
Gloria: Well be together forever!

Modern Family Quotes

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.