Modern Family

Wednesdays 9:00 PM on ABC
Modern family
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Gloria: He's a lying, scheming little sneak. That's my son.
Jay: Our son.

What did I say about these flowered blankets for him? He's starting to take after Hugh Hefner over there.

Gloria: You had a 3 hour nap on Sunday.
Jay: I was tired.
Gloria: From what, your 2 hour nap on Saturday?

Jay: This behavior of yours is not gonna fly when you lose your looks.
Gloria: Awww, you'll be long gone by then.

There's no such thing as a professional Broadway enthusiast.

Jay: You and Manny have the closest relationship I've ever seen. Hell he may never form a healthy attachment with another woman after you.
Gloria: You're just saying that.

You know what was a rare book at my school library, one that didn't have genitals drawn all over it.

Or he took a page from the old Jay Pritchett playbook, saw the crap he was in for and pretended to be asleep.

I like to throw money at a problem.

Manny: My secret admirer asked that I wear a hat with a feather in it.
Jay: Which one?

Jay: Just keep hitting all those buttons until something good happens, that's my plan anyway.
Gloria: Woof.

Son of a bitch you're an embarrassment! You're kicking up more sand than a sea turtle laying eggs.

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