Jay: Why do you look like that when I look like this?
Manny: My friends say it’s because of your money.

I'm fine, he's only one. I watched him pee into his own face and smile.

Jay: Trees are like women, the best ones make you work just a little bit harder.
Manny: She’s just not that into you.

Closet Con is the premiere North American trade show for the closet industry. I stopped going years ago because it’s a trade show for the closet industry.

He's a weird man. He's like Phil except I have to pay for him.

A thousand therapists couldn't do what Gloria did for me.

Manny: Wow that was very mature of you.
Jay: Yeah well I'm a lot older now than when she started getting dressed.

Manny: She's having her hair blown out.
Jay: That's a thing? That I pay for?

Jay: I won't be able to hear her, she won't be able to see me.
Gloria: Well be together forever!

You'd rather kill your husband than admit you need glasses?

Manny got into a fight at The Sound of Music, got kicked out, I've never been so proud.

What ever happened to letting kids be themselves?

Modern Family Quotes

That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Phil

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay