Gloria: You had a 3 hour nap on Sunday.
Jay: I was tired.
Gloria: From what, your 2 hour nap on Saturday?

Jay: This behavior of yours is not gonna fly when you lose your looks.
Gloria: Awww, you'll be long gone by then.

There's no such thing as a professional Broadway enthusiast.

Jay: You and Manny have the closest relationship I've ever seen. Hell he may never form a healthy attachment with another woman after you.
Gloria: You're just saying that.

You know what was a rare book at my school library, one that didn't have genitals drawn all over it.

Or he took a page from the old Jay Pritchett playbook, saw the crap he was in for and pretended to be asleep.

I like to throw money at a problem.

Manny: My secret admirer asked that I wear a hat with a feather in it.
Jay: Which one?

Jay: Just keep hitting all those buttons until something good happens, that's my plan anyway.
Gloria: Woof.

Son of a bitch you're an embarrassment! You're kicking up more sand than a sea turtle laying eggs.

First rule of golf, shhh.

Claire: You have an in law who no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you can't win over.
Jay: What about it?
Claire: Oh that doesn't sound familiar?
Jay:You're not saying.
Claire: Mmhmm, yeah I am.
Jay: Son of a bitch, I'm Phil!