Papa would buy ten diamond rings to get that mockingbird to shut up.

For God's sake change out of those wingtips. You're a kid, not Nixon on the beach!

If you had a husband who liked picking out strollers you wouldn't be having a baby.

Jay: You're wearing a $10K watch and you haggling over 15 cents?
Guy: You live in this place and you can't let that 15 cents go?
Jay: Fine 35.
Guy: Can you break a 50?
Jay: Get out.

You've been deported twice; you're not allowed to be that defensive.

I'm having a baby at 65. You wanna another surprise Gloria? Buy yourself a box of crackerjacks.

I remember thinking, I can't save you buddy, but I'm getting off this ride.

Jay: Tired of walking in those heels?
Gloria: No, tired of having a hot wife?

Do you know how much walking you have to do at Disneyland? Why do you think they have so many fat people on scooters?

What do you say? Anybody up for a hobo adventure?

Manny: I don't like the sound of that. A lot of amenities disappear when an H turns into an M!
Jay: Hey when I met you, you were eating cereal out of a bucket.

How do I say this without sounding like an ass? I'm kind of a legend to these guys.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

You're like a mob wife. You complain about what I do, but have no problem wearing the fur that fell off the back of the truck.

Mitchell