Nobody doesn't like me. I'm Jay. I'm salt of the earth.

What's one more son in a dress?

Fulgencio Umberto, the initials are F U Pritchitt which is exactly the way it feels right now

That's the whole point of a surprise party, you take somebody you really love and you play em like a fool.

Papa would buy ten diamond rings to get that mockingbird to shut up.

For God's sake change out of those wingtips. You're a kid, not Nixon on the beach!

If you had a husband who liked picking out strollers you wouldn't be having a baby.

Jay: You're wearing a $10K watch and you haggling over 15 cents?
Guy: You live in this place and you can't let that 15 cents go?
Jay: Fine 35.
Guy: Can you break a 50?
Jay: Get out.

You've been deported twice; you're not allowed to be that defensive.

I'm having a baby at 65. You wanna another surprise Gloria? Buy yourself a box of crackerjacks.

I remember thinking, I can't save you buddy, but I'm getting off this ride.

Jay: Tired of walking in those heels?
Gloria: No, tired of having a hot wife?

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


That's the funny thing about marriage, you fall in love with this extraordinary person and over time they begin to seem ordinary. I think it's all the nagging.