Jay: You're wearing a $10K watch and you haggling over 15 cents?
Guy: You live in this place and you can't let that 15 cents go?
Jay: Fine 35.
Guy: Can you break a 50?
Jay: Get out.

You've been deported twice; you're not allowed to be that defensive.

I'm having a baby at 65. You wanna another surprise Gloria? Buy yourself a box of crackerjacks.

I remember thinking, I can't save you buddy, but I'm getting off this ride.

Jay: Tired of walking in those heels?
Gloria: No, tired of having a hot wife?

Do you know how much walking you have to do at Disneyland? Why do you think they have so many fat people on scooters?

What do you say? Anybody up for a hobo adventure?

Manny: I don't like the sound of that. A lot of amenities disappear when an H turns into an M!
Jay: Hey when I met you, you were eating cereal out of a bucket.

How do I say this without sounding like an ass? I'm kind of a legend to these guys.

Jay: I don't know what they do in Columbia.
Gloria: No one does and don't ask.

First of all, that lady is my son.

Remember that time I told you I couldn't make your figure skating competition because I was stuck at work? By stuck I meant drunk and by work I meant the golf course!