J.D.: You're late Keith. Which doesn't surprise me, because you're a terrible person.
Keith: Sorry, I was helping with a gunshot victim downstairs.
J.D.: Lies won't get you anywhere, Keith.
Keith: I'm... covered in his blood.
J.D.: That could be anyone's blood.
Carla: Here's the gunshot victim from downstairs.
Gunshot victim: Hey, my blood!
J.D.: That's not your blood.
Gunshot victim: Yes, it is!
J.D.: Quiet time.
- Permalink: You're late Keith. Which doesn't surprise me, because you're a t...
J.D.: Dr. Cox, may I borrow your pen?
Dr. Cox: Not going to happen!! I had to strangle a nurse to get this clicky top.
J.D.: Pleeaasse! Im in the middle of a very threatening speech.
Dr. Cox: Return this pen or die painfully!
- Permalink: Dr. Cox, may I borrow your pen? Not going to happen!! I had to...
In J.D.'s room
Janitor: I come by here a couple times a week and move stuff around. Turn off his alarm. Maybe cut his bangs.
Dr. Cox: You're clearly in need of help but darn it, I'm not gonna give it to you. How sound a sleeper do you think he is?
Janitor: Well, watch this.
Janitor hits the bed and J.D. sits up then lies down again
- Permalink: In J.D.'s room I come by here a couple times a week and move s...
J.D.: Your hero Keith here, forgot to check the blood levels on Mr. Joy this morning and guess what? He's dead. Way to go, Keith.
Keith: I've never even seen this guy before.
J.D.: Oh! Way to get to know your patients there, murderer.
Doug: There's Mr. Joy. J.D., did you steal him from the morgue?
J.D.: I left a note on the decapitated guy's stump that I'd have him back by 2. It's 1:45!
- Permalink: Your hero Keith here, forgot to check the blood levels on Mr. Jo...
Elliot: J.D., I really don't wanna do this. Can't we just go home, and put on our PJs and watch "Grey's Anatomy"?
J.D.: Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and just... put it on TV.
- Permalink: J.D., I really don't wanna do this. Can't we just go home, and p...
You think you're better than me? With your rock hard abs and your dynamite areolas, well you're not.
- Permalink: You think you're better than me? With your rock hard abs and you...
Patient: I keep getting light-headed and passing out but you haven't seen it because it only happens when I yawn.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, quick, tell him a story.
J.D.: Lay off bub, okay? I'm still pretty upset about the whole Julie thing...
J.D.: You know in high school once there was a...
(Dr. Cox falls down)
J.D.: Hope that hurt.
(Dr. Cox jumps back up)
Dr. Cox: Totally worth it.
- Permalink: I keep getting light-headed and passing out but you haven't seen...
"El Toro Grande"? I'm not familiar with this brand.
- Permalink: El Toro Grande? I'm not familiar with this brand.
J.D. walks away with scratches on his back.
Jason: Dr. D, what's that on your back?
J.D.: Those Jason, are the panicked scratches of the adolescent raccoon, who until animal control can get into my home, is currently residing in my sock drawer.
- Permalink: J.D. walks away with scratches on his back. Dr. D, what's that...
J.D.: Does anyone know what the cause of death may have been?
Keith: Maybe when you leaned over to check his I.V., you smothered him to death with one your love handles.
J.D.: What did you say, Keith?
Keith: Dr. Reid told me if you picked on me I should stand up for myself. And that you're very sensitive about your doughy physique.
- Permalink: Does anyone know what the cause of death may have been? Maybe ...
J.D. holds up a condom
Elliot: J.D., I can explain.
J.D.: (As he picks up another one) Oh you did it twice! Alrighty. Somebody's a stud. We got a stud alert here! (Makes a siren sound then picks up a bunch of condoms) Ok this is just mathematically impossible.
- Permalink: J.D. holds up a condom J.D., I can explain. Oh you did it t...
Cavewoman: Why you go now?
J.D.: Oh hey, you're up. Um, look, I don't know what you're looking for but I just got out of a really tough relationship with this girl, Debbie. Also, my sister was carried off by a giant bird so we've all been in mourning about that. And my brother ate my foot. But you are just fantastic. The things you were doing last night were well, crazy. Ok? So when I clear up my own stuff, I'd love to get back together with you.
J.D.: Ok I should really go.
- Permalink: Caveman bootycall Why you go now? Oh hey, you're up. Um, loo...