Those are beautiful antlers.

J.D.: What guy drunkenly kissed you when you were sleeping?
J.D.'s narration: And it was at that moment that Turk and I remembered the incident we managed to block out for twelve years!
Turk: Uh, you're okay with us not hanging around for a couple of weeks?
J.D.: Totally!

"El Toro Grande"? I'm not familiar with this brand.

Once when we were dating, Elliot asked me to urinate on her!

Patient: I keep getting light-headed and passing out but you haven't seen it because it only happens when I yawn.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, quick, tell him a story.
J.D.: Lay off bub, okay? I'm still pretty upset about the whole Julie thing...
(Patient faints)
J.D.: You know in high school once there was a...
(Dr. Cox falls down)
J.D.: Hope that hurt.
(Dr. Cox jumps back up)
Dr. Cox: Totally worth it.

A whole week of sleep, you're going to have some killer bed head. I'm nervous, I'm sorry. I love bed head, see?

Caveman bootycall
Cavewoman: Why you go now?
J.D.: Oh hey, you're up. Um, look, I don't know what you're looking for but I just got out of a really tough relationship with this girl, Debbie. Also, my sister was carried off by a giant bird so we've all been in mourning about that. And my brother ate my foot. But you are just fantastic. The things you were doing last night were well, crazy. Ok? So when I clear up my own stuff, I'd love to get back together with you.
Cavewoman: Hungry.
J.D.: Ok I should really go.

J.D.: Does anyone know what the cause of death may have been?
Keith: Maybe when you leaned over to check his I.V., you smothered him to death with one your love handles.
J.D.: What did you say, Keith?
Keith: Dr. Reid told me if you picked on me I should stand up for myself. And that you're very sensitive about your doughy physique.

Elliot: J.D., I really don't wanna do this. Can't we just go home, and put on our PJs and watch "Grey's Anatomy"?
J.D.: Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and just... put it on TV.

J.D. comes in, in pain
Keith: You ok, Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: Keith, it's like you're begging me to hate you.
Keith: I don't feel like I am.
J.D.: You can't stop, can you?

J.D. walks away with scratches on his back.
Jason: Dr. D, what's that on your back?
J.D.: Those Jason, are the panicked scratches of the adolescent raccoon, who until animal control can get into my home, is currently residing in my sock drawer.

J.D. holds up a condom
Elliot: J.D., I can explain.
J.D.: (As he picks up another one) Oh you did it twice! Alrighty. Somebody's a stud. We got a stud alert here! (Makes a siren sound then picks up a bunch of condoms) Ok this is just mathematically impossible.

Scrubs Quotes

J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?

I understand that you took a cab all the way down here - that doesn't mean that I can give you Vicodin because your teeth are itchy