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Holy makes-complete-sense-at-this-school!

Britta: So you just left your section blank.
Jeff: No, of course not! I copied and pasted the lyrics to "War (What Is It Good For)."

Jeff: It's Macallan 18. I like to serve it neat, if that's okay with you.
Professor Cornwallis: What, in America? Don't you mix it with cherry pop or Monterey Jack cheese?

You ruined Christmas dinner so that you could be crowned the smartest person at the dumbest school?

So this is how Greendale graduates end up--as transient mountain men. Not as bad as I thought.

As someone who faked being a lawyer for seven years, I appreciate your commitment to the bit.

Hey Britta, where's Sophie B.? Is she backstage, drinking Zima and counting out Beanie Babies?

I'm gonna go get a sandwich, which, unlike "changnesia," is real.

I am not well-adjusted. More often than not, I am barely keeping it together. I am constantly texting...and there is no one at the other end.

William: So, how about we make a couple of ground rules.
Jeff: Actually, that sounds good. Okay, no hugs.
William: Wouldn't want one. No apologies.
Jeff: Wouldn't accept one.

Britta: Psychology tells us there are no accidents.
Jeff: What about car accidents, Tara Reid, or the Hindenburg?

Jeff: I thought I told you to stop reading my emails.
Dean Pelton: Well, I thought I told you to stop keeping secrets!

Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 246 in total

Community Quotes

I'm no sociopath, I always know what I'm doing is wrong. I'm just a guy that doesn't like taking tests, doing work, and getting yelled at. So if you think about it, I'm the sanest person here.

Jeff

Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically with your expulsion from a uterus.

Troy [reading the cake]
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