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Shirley you wouldn't get it. It's not a fresh baked pie thing.

Pierce: The question is who am I doing this weekend?
Jeff: He's asking because he's already forgotten. It's nobody.

I have worn this stupid thing for twelve days! I have made bald friends!

We've all been there which is why we're all here.

I always go the extra mile to avoid doing things.

You hear that? That's not a heart monitor, it's a machine telling me I'm low on khakis.

With all do respect sir, I have zero respect for you.

After you said Britta was right, everything sounded like one big foghorn.

Jeff: What's that complex called when you're wrong about everything?
Britta: Ah sarcasm, from the man with the mother of all daddy issues.

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