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Jeff: I'd like to offer my sincere congratulations. It's hard enough to find people you can stand in this life, let alone someone willing to stomach your imminent dementia and present incontinence.
Pierce: Thank you, Jeff. I just hope she can satisfy me. I'm like an insatiable baboon in the bedroom.
Jeff: Don't sell yourself short. You're a baboon everywhere.

It's got to be better than wine tasting with Pierce. He refused to drink Pinot Noir because he thought it was French for "black penis."

You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals in each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tacks

I like your sweater. Did it come with a golden retriever?

Abed: What could I do? It was Cougar Town.
Jeff: If you want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name.

Troy: We like him a lot, so you're not allowed to bone him.
Jeff: You realize she's definitely gonna bone him now, right?

Jeff: Don't kid a lawyer.
Annie: Well if I see one, I won't.

I'm sorry Annie. I'm not the worker-bee type. I'm more of a silver back gorilla with the claws of a lion, the teeth of a shark and the quiet dignity of a tortoise.

Jeff: Everyone wants you to shut up.
Britta: And yet I won't. Case in point.

Oh Abed. Will your reality ever come out on Blu-Ray so we can enjoy it?

Troy: Jeff, what do you do when you and your best friend want to ask the same girl to Valentine's Day but neither of you have dibs 'cause both of you fell in love with her at the first sight?
Jeff: Well, I don't believe in dibs, or love at first sight, or love, or best friends, or doing things, but it's good you brought this to me.

Pierce: You guys think I'm some sort of a joke!
Jeff: This isn't disproving the theory

Displaying quotes 97 - 108 of 246 in total

Community Quotes

It's called a Complisult. Part compliment, part insult. He invented them. I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an explainabrag.

Britta

Girls are supposed to dance. That's why God gave them parts that jiggle.

Troy
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