Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
Kramer: You don't think I can do it.
Jerry: I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't.
- Permalink: You don't think I can do it. I know that you can't, and I'm po...
(George, Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a table. Jerry and George are wearing baseball uniforms.)
George: Who gets picked off in softball? It's unheard of.
Jerry: It's never happened to me before.
Elaine: I remember saying to myself, "Why is Jerry so far off the base?"
Jerry: I'll have to live with this shame for the rest of my life.
(George consults his stat sheet of the game)
George: And then in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly?
Jerry: I thought there were two outs.
Elaine: I couldn't believe it when I saw you running. (laughing) I thought maybe they had changed the rules or something.
Jerry: It was the single worst moment of my life.
George: What about Sharon Besser?
Jerry: Oh, well, of course. Nineteen seventy three.
Elaine: Makes you wonder, though, doesn't it?
Jerry: Wonder about what?
Elaine: You know (looking up) the spirit world.
Jerry: You think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me?
Elaine: I never saw anyone play like that.
Jerry: But I went to the funeral.
Elaine: Yeah, but that doesn't make up for killing her.
George: Maybe Manya missed the funeral because she was off visiting another galaxy that day.
Jerry: Don't you think she would've heard I was there?
George: Not necessarily.
Jerry: Who figures an immigrant's gonna have a pony?
- Permalink: Who gets picked off in softball? It's unheard of. It's never h...
Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
George: I never heard him say anything really funny.
Jerry: But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed I'm sure he's got super humor.
- Permalink: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor. I n...
Elaine: What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?
Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. $13, $14 a cat?
Elaine: You want to make $28?
- Permalink: What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of ...
Vanessa: I said the market fluctuates. Remember?
Jerry: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!
- Permalink: I said the market fluctuates. Remember? Look, Vanessa, of cour...
Dry Cleaner: (to Jerry) May I help you?
Jerry: Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. It's completely shrunk. There's absolutely no way I can wear it.
Dry Cleaner: When did you bring it in?
Jerry: What's the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of this shirt?
Dry Cleaner: You got a receipt?
Jerry: I can't find the receipt.
Dry Cleaner: You should get the receipt.
Jerry: Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had the receipt- look at it! It's a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?
Dry Cleaner: Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt?
Jerry: What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money? In fact, forget the money. I don't even want the money. Just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want an admission of guilt.
Dry Cleaner: Maybe you asked for it to be washed.
Jerry: No! Dry-cleaned!
Dry Cleaner: Let me explain to you something, okay? With certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing --
Jerry: You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it!
Dry Cleaner: (looks around making sure not too many people are listening) I shrunk it.
- Permalink: May I help you? Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. I...
I do not like the bank. I've heard the expression "Laughing all the way to the bank." I have never seen anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate it when there's nobody on the line at all, you know that part, you go to the bank, it's empty and you still have to go through the little maze. "Can you get a little piece of cheese for me? I'm almost at the front. I'd like a reward for this please."
- Permalink: I do not like the bank. I've heard the expression Laughing all t...
Listen, Joel. I don't think we should see each other anymore.
- Permalink: Listen, Joel. I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Jerry: How can you talk to someone like that?
Joel: What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll?
- Permalink: How can you talk to someone like that? What are you saying? Wh...