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New-girl

Jess: I got laid off.
Winston: What!?
Nick: Are you serious?
Schmidt: Obama...

I panicked and I grabbed the hat. I should have grabbed the yoyo or the slap bracelet and now all I have is this stupid hat.

Jess: I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen!
Schmidt: Excuse me? Do you think this has been easy? To wash myself wearing a penis cast all summer?

How's the new apartment? Does it smell like new paint and compromise?

What's wrong? You're stress-eating meat.

Paul is the all-time worst crier. It's like a slow motion sneeze.

Paul: Now I know what Bill Clinton feels like!
Jess: Now I know what Monica Lewinsky feels like!
Paul: I'm sorry I made you feel like Monica Lewinsky!

Jess: Nick put on some pants or at least some really high socks.
Nick: Really high socks it is then!

Sarah: Do you and my Dad ever dry-lump?
Jess: Uhhh..
Sarah: Have you ever done a 99?
Jess: I think that's a tax form?
Sarah: Have you ever given anyone a plow job?
Jess: I don't know....do you want to learn how to play Bridge?

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