What's wrong? You're stress-eating meat.

Paul is the all-time worst crier. It's like a slow motion sneeze.

Paul: Now I know what Bill Clinton feels like!
Jess: Now I know what Monica Lewinsky feels like!
Paul: I'm sorry I made you feel like Monica Lewinsky!

Jess: Nick put on some pants or at least some really high socks.
Nick: Really high socks it is then!

Sarah: Do you and my Dad ever dry-lump?
Jess: Uhhh..
Sarah: Have you ever done a 99?
Jess: I think that's a tax form?
Sarah: Have you ever given anyone a plow job?
Jess: I don't know....do you want to learn how to play Bridge?

Sorry. I've never heard you talk about your ex wife, and I got really nervous, and I tried to flirt information out of you.

Actually, I don't trust what "cool" means to all of you, so how about just " be normal".

You've all thought about me while self-completing!?

Guess what you guys? My shoes are filled with blood!

What's going on? Why is the cast of The Social Network in our apartment?

I would have lasted two seconds in the court of the sun king. I think about that all the time.

Jess: You've always wanted a thing, so maybe this is your thing. The guy with no phone.
Nick: But who is that guy!?

New Girl Quotes

Beans are nothing but soggy nuts!

Schmidt

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Schmidt