Winston: Schmidt, you can't move out! Who's gonna do my fades?!
Jess: Yeah, who's gonna do his fades?!

I'm having a party tonight and I can't have him lying on the couch, wiping his tears with deli meat.

My boyfriend doesn't believe in banks. It's early in the relationship. I'm still shaving above the knee. Know what I mean?

Oh my God. It is a hand...full of dollar bills y'all!

Nick: It's Schmidt we're talking about here. After we saw the movie "Titanic," he started the Billy Zane Fan Club.
Jess: What?!
Nick: Look it up. They're called Zane-iacs.

Jess: I have to show Nick...something in the bathroom.
Nick: It's tiles...I'm so bad at lying! It's for sex!

Nick: You know so many "Spaceballs" quotes.
Jess: They jammed the radar with literal jam!

Nick: I believe horses are from outer space--
Jess: I believe that, too!

Jess: Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing.
Nick: That's the only thing in the world I know to be true.

Why are you talking to me like a James Taylor song?

Jess: Oh my god! I thought he was taking you to jail!
Nick: Naw, it's resort jail, and it's not so bad. They let me watch "Ugly Betty."

Jess: How many times a day does Schmidt text you?
Nick: Oh, no, just like...40.

New Girl Quotes

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Schmidt

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick