No! PMS is mine! Stop stealing my stuff, Winston.

I was sabotaged by my baby box, which means I will never trust anything that comes out of it.

I feel like I wanna murder someone and also I want soft pretzels.

Jess: When I hear all the stuff about Cece's profession, like the dieting, it's crazy. And the butt-drinking...
Nick: Did you just say "butt-drinking?" You can't say "butt-drinking" and not explain what it is. That's two of my four favorite things.

Nick: In March, I will have been living with Schmidt for 10 years. I know that because he sent me an e-mail asking how I want to celebrate our tin anniversary.
Jess: How did you become friends? Was it an accident? Did you hit him with your car and you became his reluctant caretaker?

What's going on? Did you guys watch porn together again? Why do you keep doing that? It's always awkward!

I'm big in Japan — they call me Gigglebangs Riceball.

It's your birthday, and you won't even eat cake!

At least I'm not 23, at least I own a trashcan, at least I can legally rent a car, at least I don't live in a loft with three...at least I live with you guys.

I can't let you fluff me. I can't let you work in emotional porn! You have too much to offer.

Nick: You can't separate your feelings from sex? So what? You're a girl!
Jess: I deserve to have a shorty on the side!

Jess: I don't want to kiss and tell, but I ruined my dresser during intercourse. Will you go to Ikea with me?
Nick: Yeah, sure. I'm not doing anything today.

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Cece: You know that guy I'm dating?
Schmidt: Buster, your child bride?