Jess: Now, if you'll excuse me gentleman, I'm going to go get a job — like it's my...
Schmidt: Job?
Jess: SHUT UP!

If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your bodies! Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there!

No! PMS is mine! Stop stealing my stuff, Winston.

I was sabotaged by my baby box, which means I will never trust anything that comes out of it.

I feel like I wanna murder someone and also I want soft pretzels.

Jess: When I hear all the stuff about Cece's profession, like the dieting, it's crazy. And the butt-drinking...
Nick: Did you just say "butt-drinking?" You can't say "butt-drinking" and not explain what it is. That's two of my four favorite things.

Nick: In March, I will have been living with Schmidt for 10 years. I know that because he sent me an e-mail asking how I want to celebrate our tin anniversary.
Jess: How did you become friends? Was it an accident? Did you hit him with your car and you became his reluctant caretaker?

What's going on? Did you guys watch porn together again? Why do you keep doing that? It's always awkward!

I'm big in Japan — they call me Gigglebangs Riceball.

It's your birthday, and you won't even eat cake!

At least I'm not 23, at least I own a trashcan, at least I can legally rent a car, at least I don't live in a loft with three...at least I live with you guys.

I can't let you fluff me. I can't let you work in emotional porn! You have too much to offer.

New Girl Quotes

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick