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New-girl

At least I'm not 23, at least I own a trashcan, at least I can legally rent a car, at least I don't live in a loft with three...at least I live with you guys.

I can't let you fluff me. I can't let you work in emotional porn! You have too much to offer.

Nick: You can't separate your feelings from sex? So what? You're a girl!
Jess: I deserve to have a shorty on the side!

Jess: I don't want to kiss and tell, but I ruined my dresser during intercourse. Will you go to Ikea with me?
Nick: Yeah, sure. I'm not doing anything today.

Jess: I had the best sex of my life last night.
Nick: Oh so that was you? I thought it was a couple bums fighting.
Jess: It wasn't. It was me. Having sex. I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down. I became a werewolf, I scared some teenagers. I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie and that I'm a dancer and/or something involving puppets.

Sam: Hi - are you Katie? I'm Sam from CupidMatch.
Jess: And I'm the girl from my dreams of you.

Jess: I got laid off.
Winston: What!?
Nick: Are you serious?
Schmidt: Obama...

I panicked and I grabbed the hat. I should have grabbed the yoyo or the slap bracelet and now all I have is this stupid hat.

Jess: I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen!
Schmidt: Excuse me? Do you think this has been easy? To wash myself wearing a penis cast all summer?

How's the new apartment? Does it smell like new paint and compromise?

What's wrong? You're stress-eating meat.

Paul is the all-time worst crier. It's like a slow motion sneeze.

Displaying quotes 85 - 96 of 108 in total

New Girl Quotes

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick
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