Popular Jess Mariano Quotes
Lorelai tries to get Jess to understand that Luke is trying to help him
Jess: What are you sleeping with him or something?
Lorelai: Excuse me?
Jess: I don't know. The whole starry eyed 'you're so much better off, just give it a chance' speech. You're either really nave, or you're getting some.
Luke: (On the phone) Hi, Liz. Yeah, he got here fine.
Jess: Got here at ten this morning.
Luke: Okay, hang on a sec. Jess?
Jess: Pass.
Luke: Jess, come on.
Jess: Nope.
Luke: What am I supposed to tell her?
Jess: Tell her I gotta take another crack at that closet. I think I hung my Tool T-shirt next to my Metallica T-shirt, and they don't really get along.
Luke: You really want me to tell her that?
Jess: You think a different band combo would sell it more?
Luke: Wait, you need keys.
Jess: No, I don't. (Leaves)
Luke: I so don't wanna know why.
Lorelai: Sookie, Jackson, I want you to meet Luke's nephew. This is Jess.
Sookie: Do you eat cheese?
Jess: What?
Lorelai: You know, there have been very few times in my life where I wished I had one of those enormous cream pies that you can just smash in someone's face, but this is definitely one of them.
Jess: Well, now, that's not very neighborly of you.
Lorelai: Hey, you know what? This is my house, and I choose how I get talked to in it, so ha ha!
Luke: I had any interesting call today, want to know who it was from?
Jess: Not really.
Luke: It was from Taylor Doose, you know, he owns the market.
Jess: If you say so.
Luke: He said you came in today.
Jess: He did?
Luke: And he said you took some money out of a little donation cup to help repair the bridge. I told him he was crazy, you wouldn't do that, you weren't a thief, that he was just trying to start trouble. Then I hung up on him. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy hanging up on Taylor and he is crazy. But I was just wondering if maybe any of the other things he said were true.
Jess: What do you think?
Luke: I think that if you tell me that what he's saying is not true, I'm gonna believe it.
Jess: Okay, it's not true.
Luke: That doesn't sound very convincing.
Jess: What exactly do you want from me? You bring me here to this place, you put me in a school that says the Pledge of Allegiance in six different languages, two of which I've never heard of before. You take me away from my home, my friends, and now you want what from me?
Luke: I'm trying to help you!
Jess: Well stop trying! Stop following me, stop talking to me, stop asking me questions! Just stop!
Luke: That's what you want?
Jess: Yes.
Luke: That's really what you want?
Jess: Yes!
Luke: You got it.
Jess: Thank you!
Luke: You're welcome!
(As they cross over a bridge, Luke pushes Jess into the water)
Jess: Want to bail?
Rory: Um...no.
Jess: How come?
Rory: Because it's Tuesday night in Stars Hollow. There's nowhere to bail to. The 24-hour mini mart just closed 20 minutes ago.
Rory: Good night, Dodger.
Jess: What?
Rory: Figure it out.
Jess: Oliver Twist.
Wow, aren't we hooked on Phonics!
(Jess comes down the stairs drssed in a flannel shirt and a backwards baseball cap)
Lorelai: Uh, Luke...
Luke: What? (sees Jess) What do you think you're doing?
Jess: Working.
Luke: So, you think this is funny.
Jess: I'm sorry, I thought this was the uniform.
Luke: You know what? That's fine. Have your little joke, doesn't bother me at all. Clean that table.
Jess: Yeah?
Luke: I'm ignoring you. You do not exist.
Jess: Okay. (Jess starts to clean table)
Luke: That's it, gets upstairs and change.
Jess: Whatever you say, Uncle Luke.
Luke: It's Luke. Just Luke. Mister Luke. In fact, don't address me at all!
Luke: How can you like that shirt?
Jess: It brings out my eyes.
Jess: Wanna play some poker? Five bucks a hand.
Luke: No.
Jess: Ten? I can't go any higher than ten.
Luke: Jess-
Jess: Okay, fifteen.
Luke: I don't want to play poker.
Jess: You sure?
Luke: Yeah.
Jess: Okie dokie.
