South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralFavorite Jesus Quotes
On the super best friend power cycles! (Segways)
Joseph Smith: Boys you need to understand that people get very offended when Muhammad is mocked because he's a religious figure.
Jesus: Buddha! Don't do coke in front of kids!
Let's hope to Christ this works.
Caller: Jesus, this is...
Jesus: Martin, from Aspen. Yes, I know.
Caller: How'd you know that?
Jesus: Maybe because I'm the son of God, brainiac.
Stan: Robert Smith is the greatest person who ever lived!
Jesus: Our saviour!
Jesus: Yea, take hold of my robe, Stanley, and do not open your eyes.
Stan: (closes his eyes) I am ready.
(scene changes to Jesus and Stan on an airplane, Stan is still holding on to Jesus and closing his eyes)
Jesus: Are you still keeping your eyes closed?
Stan: Yeah.
Jesus: Good. Want some peanuts?
Jesus: We need to know how to kill a giant stone Abraham Lincoln.
Moses: Um, let me think, um... A giant stone John Wilkes Booth?
Vengeance is mine!
Rod Stewart: Poop pants.
Jesus: What?
Rod Stewart: Poop pants.
Jesus: You pooped your pants? Nurse, Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants.
Nurse: Again? Now, Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?
I guess maybe Tom Cruise likes Sea Man.
Jesus: Father, everyone is starting to pay attention to me again because of the new millennium. I-I'm kinda making a comeback!
God: Yea, like John Travolta before you, you are experiencing a second revival.
Jesus: But Eric, I think this time I have to teach you a lesson! I'm sending you somewhere to think about your sins!
Cartman: You're gonna send me to hell?
Jesus: No. Worse!
(Ensenada, Mexico, day. Mariachi music plays in the background. A tour bus stops in front of Papas and Beer and drops Cartman off, then pulls away.)
Kenny: (rushes up to him) Eric! Eric!
Cartman: (sees Kenny) Aw, crap!