South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralJesus Quotes
Rod Stewart: Poop pants.
Jesus: What?
Rod Stewart: Poop pants.
Jesus: You pooped your pants? Nurse, Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants.
Nurse: Again? Now, Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?
Jesus: "Oh, come on Santa you can't leave."
Santa: "No, f(beep) you Jesus!"
Santa: Ok Jesus, here's one you might remember. (begins singing Duran Duran's "Rio") Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand. Just like that river twistin' through the dusty land.
Jesus: Uh. Santa, Santa, Santa, that's not a Christmas song.
Santa: I know, but there's, like, 300 Jesus Christmas songs and only four f***ing Santa ones!
Jesus: In our competition for ratings, we all lost sight of why we got into showbusiness in the first place.
Ned: Yeah. Titties and beer.
Jesus: Actually, I was referring more to the pursuit of truth...
Shut the f**k up!!! Jesus, what is wrong with you people?!
Jesus: Welcome back. Now, Jimbo, would you please tell me why your nephew do stuff like this to you?
Jimbo: Well, I'll tell you, Jesus... It's because he takes drugs and he worships the devil!
(The people in the audience gasp.)
People in audience: (chanting) Jesus! Jesus!
Jesus: Wow, Stanley! Now your uncle sounds really worried for you!
Stan: Well, I only did it because he... MOLESTED me!
(The people in the audience gasp again.)
Jimbo: Why, you little piece of crap...!
Stan: You big piece of crap!
Cartman: That's it! Now I'm all pissed off! (Cartman throws a chair at Ned) Take that, hippie!
Jimbo: Hey!
Stan: Robert Smith is the greatest person who ever lived!
Jesus: Our saviour!
Cartman: You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday present?
Kyle: Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs.
Jesus: No way dude!
Chef: I-I-I cant! I can't hit Jesus Christ! My mother will never speak to me again!
Stan: But you're his fighting partner Chef!
Kyle: Yeah! You have to hit him!
Jesus: Satan must be defeated Chef! Please help me train.
Chef: Ok, but I'm just gonna tap you alright?
Jesus: Give it your best shot! (Chef punches Jesus on the face) Oh!
Chef: Oh god in heaven! What have I done?
Jesus: Anybody got the number of that truck?
Stan: Hey Jesus!
Jesus: What are you doing out so late kids?
Kyle: We have to find Red Megaman and Green Megaman for Cartman's party.
Jesus: Oh. Kids, you believe I can beat Satan right?
Stan: Sure dude, you're the son of God.
Kyle: Yeah. You're not having any doubts are you?
Jesus: N-No no! But could you help me train a little?
Stan: Jesus, what happens if someone really wants to die and you kill him?
Jesus: I'm not touching that with a sixty foot pole.
Stan: Goddammit!
Jesus: I heard that.
Caller: Jesus, this is...
Jesus: Martin, from Aspen. Yes, I know.
Caller: How'd you know that?
Jesus: Maybe because I'm the son of God, brainiac.
