Dr. Cox: Please forgive me, but since I had a vasectomy last year, nay two vasectomies, I feel... I feel I just have to ask. Did you cheat on me?
Jordan: No. And you know me; I always tell.
Dr. Cox: Ah that's true.

Jordan: Hello Bob...No cheek kiss necessary.
Dr. Kelso: Oh good, I have pipe breath. Sooo...When was the last time I was here, '97? I know it has been a while because Enid could still fit through that door. I shouldn't joke, she is very ill.

Jack: Daddy drinks a lot.
Jordan: His first complete sentence. Fantastic.

Keith: Did Elliot leave without telling me?
Jordan: Why is there an intern in my bathroom? It's not my birthday.
Keith: She made me watch.

Jordan: What's going on?
Ted: I love you too dumpling, but I have to work late. I'll make it up to you this weekend.
Dr. Cox: Ted's on the phone with his mom, so we're taking five.

(Dr. Cox is drinking a glass of scotch)
Dr. Zeltzer: Oh...oh..Slow down there, Big Guy!!
Dr. Cox: Why, Zeltzer? It's not like I'm driving.
Dr. Zeltzer: I know. But there's a roofie in it.
(Dr. Cox faints)
Jordan: I'm not sure if I'm okay with that!!
Dr. Zeltzer: Three... Two.. One!!
(Jordan faints)
Mrs. Zeltzer: Party Time.

Jordan: You know one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.
Elliot: You don't like Cox?
Jordan: Actually I love Cox.
Todd: Greatest conversation ever.
Jordan: See, that's the problem.
Woman: This sausage is huuuuuuge.
Todd: 'cuse me ladies, I'm needed elsewhere.

Elliot: The only problem is his last name. It's Dudemeister.
Jordan: Oh that doesn't even sound real.
Elliot: Well it's actually German, "Du-de-meister", it means master of dudes.

(Talking about their respective men)
Elliot: They are three manly men.
Jordan: Perry gets his chest waxed.
Elliot: Keith loves to knit throw pillows.
Carla: Turk might be sterile.
Jordan: We have a winner.

Jordan: Uh, Perry, this is your son. Not a rescued pit bull. Give him a kiss.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, he's starting to look like a guy and I'm just not real big on kissing guys. I mean, when my father wanted to show me affection, he would just purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head.

Relax! She's only fantasizing cause you don't satisfy her!

Jordan: Okay, either the heat in my office is broken, or I drifted off and fantasized about Rudy Giulliani again.
Turk: Haha! He's not even sexy! Right, baby?
Carla: Aye, Rudy, don't stop...
Turk: Baby!
Carla: Huh?

Scrubs Quotes

Turk: All right, Elliot, at the presentation I was wondering, can I do the ending? Because I really love the ending of our paper.
Elliot: Do you think I'm cut out to be a doctor?
Turk: Okay, fine, you can do the ending. I just want to say, "Thanks, folks! We've been great!"
Elliot: I'm serious. Do you think this is what I really want to do?
Turk: Elliot, I don't know.
Elliot: You can tell me. I can take it.
Turk: No, Elliot, I'm saying I don't know because I really don't know. What the hell is going on here? Why have all women gone crazy?

Ah, checking Mr. Countertop's heart rate. (Slams a pack of paper on the countertop, hurting Keith's ears) Memories. Do you know that once, Dr. Cox made me give every air conditioning unit in this hospital a pap smear? The wacky thing is room 403 did have some yeast issues.

</i> J.D.