Dr. Cox: Please forgive me, but since I had a vasectomy last year, nay two vasectomies, I feel... I feel I just have to ask. Did you cheat on me?
Jordan: No. And you know me; I always tell.
Dr. Cox: Ah that's true.

Jordan: Hello Bob...No cheek kiss necessary.
Dr. Kelso: Oh good, I have pipe breath. Sooo...When was the last time I was here, '97? I know it has been a while because Enid could still fit through that door. I shouldn't joke, she is very ill.

Jack: Daddy drinks a lot.
Jordan: His first complete sentence. Fantastic.

Keith: Did Elliot leave without telling me?
Jordan: Why is there an intern in my bathroom? It's not my birthday.
Keith: She made me watch.

Jordan: What's going on?
Ted: I love you too dumpling, but I have to work late. I'll make it up to you this weekend.
Dr. Cox: Ted's on the phone with his mom, so we're taking five.

(Dr. Cox is drinking a glass of scotch)
Dr. Zeltzer: Oh...oh..Slow down there, Big Guy!!
Dr. Cox: Why, Zeltzer? It's not like I'm driving.
Dr. Zeltzer: I know. But there's a roofie in it.
(Dr. Cox faints)
Jordan: I'm not sure if I'm okay with that!!
Dr. Zeltzer: Three... Two.. One!!
(Jordan faints)
Mrs. Zeltzer: Party Time.

Jordan: You know one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.
Elliot: You don't like Cox?
Jordan: Actually I love Cox.
Todd: Greatest conversation ever.
Jordan: See, that's the problem.
Woman: This sausage is huuuuuuge.
Todd: 'cuse me ladies, I'm needed elsewhere.

Elliot: The only problem is his last name. It's Dudemeister.
Jordan: Oh that doesn't even sound real.
Elliot: Well it's actually German, "Du-de-meister", it means master of dudes.

(Talking about their respective men)
Elliot: They are three manly men.
Jordan: Perry gets his chest waxed.
Elliot: Keith loves to knit throw pillows.
Carla: Turk might be sterile.
Jordan: We have a winner.

Jordan: Uh, Perry, this is your son. Not a rescued pit bull. Give him a kiss.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, he's starting to look like a guy and I'm just not real big on kissing guys. I mean, when my father wanted to show me affection, he would just purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head.

Jordan: Okay, either the heat in my office is broken, or I drifted off and fantasized about Rudy Giulliani again.
Turk: Haha! He's not even sexy! Right, baby?
Carla: Aye, Rudy, don't stop...
Turk: Baby!
Carla: Huh?

Relax! She's only fantasizing cause you don't satisfy her!

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 240 in total

Scrubs Quotes

J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?

(To J.D.)Not so fast. You're my bitch now.

Jordan
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