South Park

Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy Central
South park
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Kenny: (muffled) Oh my god! They killed Cartman!
Kyle: No, we didn't kill him; he's still breathing!

(Cartman is sitting on Kenny)
Cartman: Cartman Von Cartman has ways of making you talk! (Farts)
Kenny: Aaah!

Cartman: You have rats in your house, too, Kenny?
Kenny: Mm-hmm.
Cartman: Seriously, you better stop being so poor or else I'm gonna start huckin' rocks at you.
Kenny: Well maybe if we get a f**king roof, we won't have rats.
Stan: Oh.

That ain't why, Stuart! It's because you are an alcoholic retard and he has dreams of not eating frozen waffles for dinner every night!

Mrs. McCormick

Mr. McCormick: Hey! Is it my fault you don't know how to cook!
Mrs. McCormick: What am I supposed to do with frozen waffles, clamhead, you put 'em in the toaster and you cook 'em.
Mr. McCormick: You just don't know how to use spices and stuff.

(saying grace) Lord, we thank you for this staggering payload of frozen waffles you have bestowed upon us. And since we have been faithful to you, we know you will send us some good fortune, one of these days, even though you sure as hell seem to be taking your sweet time. Amen.

Mr. McCormick

Cartman: (while at Kenny's house) Where is the Nintendo?
Mr. McCormick: We don't have a Nintendo. We got a Coleco Vision plugged into the black and white TV.
Kyle: Oh my God, this is like a third-world country.

Kyle: (to Chef) Hey, are you come to Ike's bris this weekend?
Chef: Oh, hell no! I can't bear to see that!
Stan: What do you mean?
Chef: Don't you boys know what a bris is?? They're going to circumcise him!
Cartman: Eh, what's that?
Chef: (to himself) Oh, boy. Here we go again (to the boys) Children, uh What's the one thing that's more sacred to a man than anything else in the world?
Stan: Uh, bicycles?
Cartman: Ham?
Kyle: No, not ham, you fat ****!
Cartman: (to Kyle) Screw you! (to Chef) It's ham, isn't it?
Chef: No no no, children. I'm talking about the most important part of a man's body.
Kyle: Uh, your heart?
Stan: Your eyes!
(Chef puts his hand on his head.)
Kenny: (muffled) I know! Your penis!
Chef: That's right!
Cartman: Hey! My mom says you're not supposed to call it a penis, Kenny! You're supposed to call it a fireman!
Chef: A fireman??
Cartman: That's the proper way to say it, or else you'll get a spanking!
Chef: (gets into car) Damn it, children! Why do I always have to be the one to explain all of this stuff to you? Ask your parents for once!
Kyle: Hey, wait!
(Chef drives off.)
Stan: (to Kenny) Dude, something tells me this "bris" thing isn't good!

(Gun fires at Kenny)
Stan: Oh my God, they've killed-!
Kenny: Mrph, mrph umph umly umh maphet (Oh, it was only my jacket.)
Stan: God dammit!

Cartman: Sir, could you step out of the car, please?
Mr. McCormick: We're fine, officer.
Cartman: Anduuh who's, who's in here with you?
Mr. McCormick: Just me and my wife and my brother. And my wife's cousin and his son and my brother's girlfriend and our two kids-
Kenny: (muffled) Hi, Cartman.
Mr. McCormick: -and my brother's girlfriend's mother, and this guy Bob who I met last year.
Cartman: (to the camera) Poor people tend to live in clusters.
Mr. McCormick: What? What did you say?
Cartman: Nothing- now, sir, is there some kind of uh-
Mrs. McCormick: I want him out of my house! He ain't worth a s(beep)t! He can't even hold a f(beep)kin' job!
Mr. McCormick: Shut up, bitch!
Cartman: Okay okay, let's try to watch the language: there's children present heuh.
Mrs. McCormick: He is a lazy-ass motherf(beep)ker!
Mr. McCormick: Look what she did to my f(beep)kin' eye.
Mrs. McCormick: I'll do it again!!
(Mrs. McCormick kicks him in the ass and continues hitting him. Kenny just laughs at the sight)
Kevin: Eh-Mom hit Dad again!
(Kenny and Kevin then continue laughing at them)
Cartman: Now, the first thing to do in domestic disturbance calls like this one is to just calm everybody down. Respect my authoritah!
(Cartman jumps up and knocks Mrs. McCormick down, then Mr. McCormick. He then concentrates on Mr. McCormick)
Kenny: (muffled) God-dammit, Cartman!
Mr. McCormick: Aagh!

Kyle: The next time Shelly is going to hit you tell her: "Shelly, you're my sister and I love you."
Kenny: And I want to take off your bra.
Stan: Sick dude! She's my sister.
Kyle: Try it!

Stan: Holy crap! Wendy wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school today.
Kyle: Wow. Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny: (muffled) Maybe you can touch her pussy.
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 48 in total

South Park Quotes

It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation, this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

</i> Cartman

James Cameron doesn't do what James Cameron does for James Cameron. James Cameron does what James Cameron does because James Cameron is James Cameron!

James Cameron