Kevin Malone Quotes
Pam: I'm not apologizing to anyone. Michael owes ME an apology.
Michael: For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover?
Pam: Don't call my mother your lover!
Kevin: Yes! That's what I'm talking about.
Andy: That is not okay dude.
Michael: Okay, in my defense...
Creed: That's messed up man.
Pam: Yes. Thank you. Welcome to my personal hell!
Oscar: You have no sense of boundaries, Michael.
- Permalink: I'm not apologizing to anyone. Michael owes ME an apology. For...
Kevin: Whoa, where'd you get that hat?
Ryan: I'd rather not say.
- Permalink: Whoa, where'd you get that hat? I'd rather not say.
Operator: Mr. Halpert? I'm calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card.
Kevin: Oh man do you think it was stolen?
Operator: Sir could you mind verifying your home address?
Kevin: Um, yes, um... [picks up an envelope] Three eight three Linden Ave., Scranton, PA.
Operator: And may I have the last four digits of your social security?
Kevin: Six six five zero.
Operator: Well Mr. Halpert, you're obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico.
Kevin: Wait a minute, yes I am--
Operator: We're going to go ahead and put a hold on your card.
Kevin: No- that- I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer.
- Permalink: Hello? Mr. Halpert? I'm calling from the identity theft depart...
Kevin: I wouldn't last in jail, Oscar, I'm not like you.
Oscar: What's that supposed to mean?
Kevin: Oh you don't know about jail? Oh you would LOVE jail.
Oscar: Why would I love jail.
Kevin: Because [pauses] you would love it.
- Permalink: I wouldn't last in jail, Oscar, I'm not like you. What's that ...
Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office, to fart in. Then one day, I came in, and I just stayed. 'Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks.
- Permalink: Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office, ...
Stanley: Anyone wanna trade anything for a toaster?
Kevin: Does it have slots for hot dogs?
Kevin: Who would want it?
- Permalink: Anyone wanna trade anything for a toaster? does it have slots ...
I'm not gay. I'm kevin.
- Permalink: I'm not gay. I'm kevin.
Kevin: What does a bean mean?
Pam: Why aren't there any beans on this very old, frizzy-haired picture of me?
Kevin: Michael, what does a bean mean.
Jim: I was just trying to be unbiased.
Kevin: WHAT DOES A BEAN MEAN.
Oscar: Would someone please explain to Kevin?
Meredith: Why can't you? My time is just as valuable as yours.
Phyllis: Not according to the beans.
- Permalink: What does a bean mean? Why aren't there any beans on this very...
Who started the rumor that there is another person inside of me ... WORKING ME WITH CONTROLS??!
- Permalink: Who started the rumor that there is another person inside of me ...
Kevin: Hahaha. Tea.
Andy: I like tea.
Kevin: You WOULD.
Andy: I like it a lot!
Kevin: I bet you do.
Andy: I REALLY like it!
Kevin: Do you like it as much as you like men's butts?!
Kevin: 'Cause you're GAY!
- Permalink: Hahaha. Tea. I like tea. You WOULD. I like it a lot! I b...
Kevin: [playing volleyball] I got it. [Kevin misses]
Dwight: Ohh! Oh, Kevin! Come on!
Andy: Are you blind?!
Dwight: I could've gotten that, idiot!
Andy: Can you see things with your eyeballs?!
Dwight: It's not a sledgehammer! Come on, people! We need to get our heads in the game! Let's focus! Come on, you're better than this! I am better than this! Phyllis, why are you sitting on the ground?!
Phyllis: We've been out here for a while. I don't need this.
- Permalink: I got it. Ohh! Oh, Kevin! Come on! Are you blind?! I coul...
Kevin: Michael, isn't that Holly?
Michael: We're just friends.
- Permalink: Michael, isn't that Holly? We're just friends.
Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.Michael
- Permalink: Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sin...
I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.Andy
- Permalink: I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days befor...