The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXKrusty the Klown Quotes
Krusty: Where's the closest place I can score some victory weed?
Judge: That would be the courthouse cafeteria.
The arctic circle, or as I long to call it, my wife's side of the bed. For the purposes of that joke I'm married.
Don't listen to him, kid. This is a dream factory, the birthplace of magic, an enchantment! Now, I need you to go clean out my toilet.
Krusty: Bart! I need to use you in a sketch.
Bart: You want me to be on the show?
Krusty: It's just one line. Mel's supposed to say it, but he's dead.
Bart: Dead?!
Krusty: Or sick. I don't know. I forget.
Bart: (after his 15th minute of fame is up) What happened?
Krusty: Oh, don't worry about that. You're just finished, that's all.
(Krusty Burger in the middle of the sea)
Guy: We tried to tell you these are unmanned oil rigs.
Krusty: Ah, close the damn thing down, no one's ever going to come.
Homer: (bursts in door) Give me 700 Krusty Burgers!
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Do you want fries with that?
(Homer digs into a big pile of burgers)
Bart: You did it, Dad! You saved us!
Homer: (mouth full) Go away. Eating.
There once was a man named Enos
(An Itchy and Scratchy toon starts: "BURNING DOWN THE MOUSE!")
Lisa: GASP! I've heard of this one. It's the one where Scratchy finally gets Itchy!
Bart: WOW!
(In it, Scratchy has Itchy tied on a stake. Scratchy puts dynamite in Itchy's eyelids and ears, makes a beard and stovepipe hat out of plastic explosive material, and hangs grenades on Itchy's ears. Then he aims two atomic missiles at Itchy's eyes, lights the fuses, and hails a cab and escapes. Itchy struggles to get out.)
Bart: (as he and Lisa hold hands) My purpose in life is to witness this moment.
(The fuse is about to go out, but the picture goes blank, as Bart and Lisa scream.)
Gary: We need the outlet for our rock tumbler.
Kids: PLUG IT IN! PLUG IT IN!
Gary: What, the rock tumbler or the TV?
Kids: THE TV! THE TV!
(Gary does so, but there's a a still image of a mushroom cloud with "THE END" in red jumbled letters as the end theme plays.)
Krusty: Wow! They'll never let us show that again! Not in a million years!
Krusty: Here's the deal. Every time you watch my show, I will send you... forty dollars!
Voice: Checks will not be honored.
Krusty: Bette and I owned a race horse together: Krudler.
Krusty: Ugh, 35 years in show business and already no one remembers me, just like what's-his-name and whose-it, and you know that guy, always wore a shirt?
Bart: Ed Sullivan?
Krusty: I've had plenty of guys come after me and I've buried them all. Hobos, sea captains, Joey Bishop
Krusty's Assistant: Don't forget the Special Olympics.
Krusty: Oh, yeah. I buried the Special Olympics!
