Archer

Mondays 10:00 PM on FX
Archer
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Sterling Archer, I'd like you to meet your daughter, Abigene.

We all enjoyed this break from him, but Cyril, if you tell him I said this I'll break your freakin' arms, but it's, ugh, Archer Time.

Cyril's just the Vader to your Palpatine.

Archer: Wait - is that an extremely ill-phrased analogy about my penis?
Lana: Yes, Archer, it is, because everything, everywhere, everywhen is about the paragon of adequacy that is your dick.

Archer: Please don't slash the painting, it's...priceless!
Lana: But worthless if you damage it. But even though it's very delicate, it can withstand a surprising amount of shit.

Kreiger clones: All will be revealed...in time.
Kreiger: And if there's one thing I love more than triumph, it's annoying vagueness.

Krieger: I think it's some unholy adolescent human amphibian hybrid creature.
Kreiger clones: Yes.
Krieger: I'm home! I'm finally home!

Malory: Ray, find Cherlene. No matter what happens, we can't leave without her.
Lana: She said, suddenly oddly maternal.

Malory: I need some more ice. Oh, and a small bowl, a mirror, a needle and thread, and a straight razor.
Lana: You're not emasculating Krieger!

Malory: Are you bothering them?
Lana: I am. And also, Happy Opposite Day

Malory: If we miss that taping, I won't be responsible for my actions.
Lana: Are you ever?

Malory: Well, she won't go to rehab and you won't let her die with dignity...
Lana: From an overdose of cocaine cake?!

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 89 in total

Archer Quotes

Cyril: Archer, do something!
Archer: Who am I, Alan Turing? He was also in X-Men, remember?

Hawley: Awww screw me!
Archer: ...said Ripley to the android Bishop.