Archer

Mondays 10:00 PM on FX
Archer
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(Learning him and Lana have to share a one bed room)
Archer: Lana, lana, lana, lana (Shouts) LANNNNNAAAAAAA!!
Lana: WHAT!!!?
Archer: (snickers) Danger Zone....

Lana: You're looking for Predator aren't you? A, he's invisible.
Archer: Not totally, he has a tall tell shimmer.

Lana: I think Conway is totally up to something.
Archer: Duh! You think I'm an idiot? I know he wants to marry mother and have her cut me out of the will. Which is why I'm going to kill him.

Caterer: Gravlax?
Lana: Thanks, no. I'm allergic to cat piss.

Lana: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Cyril: I find your mannish hands disturbing.
Pam: I find them kind of sexy.

Malory: So you do want the assignment?
Archer: What? Yeah I want it.
Malory: You really, really, really want it?
Archer: Yes I want it.
Malory: Well too bad, becuase guess what?
(Lana is standing in the doorway with her briefcase.)
Lana: (mocking) Ha-HA!
Archer: (outraged) What! Why does she get the mission!?
Malory: Because I said so, either way we have a plan to catch.
(Getting up to leave with Lana.)
Archer: WE!? Why are you going?
Malory: I'm...umm...uhhhh...(thinking of excuse) going to a conference?
Archer: (annoyed) Oh well isn't that convenient!?
Lana: If you think that's convenient, wait till you see my new kitchen.
Malory: HA! Seriously thou, you should look thru some of her design catalogue's.

(Lana's going away on a mission)
Cyril: Isnt it sudden you going on this mission?
Lana: Noooo....Sudden is wanting your girlfriend to move in with you after only 4 months.
Cyril: (defensive) Just talking about it...and by the way I moved in with my last girlfriend after only 4 weeks.
Lana: (stopping next to Malory, Sterling, Carol and Pam) What are you a lesbian?
Pam: Why would you be into that? (group plus Cyril and Lana turn to stare) Just curious, which was an odd word choice right there and am I talking out loud..

Sterling: (Looking into Lana's eyes) No they're, oh my god they're green, like emeralds. How did I never see that? Lana, your eyes are amazing.
Lana: (Sighs, leans in to kiss) Archer.
Sterling: I mean, not compared to your tits but.
(Lana shoots Sterling in the foot)

Archer: So let me guess..
Lana: Yeah, who ever he is, he ghosted an ID file onto our world wide data base.
Archer: Yeah, which you probably found while researching me-
Lana: [Sigh]
Archer: Lana, 'cause you're in the ah... Danger Zone!

Lana: Did Cyril run past here sobbing in a woman's bathrobe?
Malory: Well it wouldn't surprise me, you're driving him stark-raving mad.
Lana: What'd I do?
Malory: Running up and down in your cheap Fiachi knockoffs
Pam: Against the rules.
Malory: Half-naked, tits bouncing around like you're at a rodeo.

Lana: A non-circumcised Jewish guy, that's not weird to you?
Archer: No. Why would... I mean, I'm not Jewish, and I am circumcised so it can happen the other-
Lana: It doesn't work like that.
Archer: Lana come on. I think we both know it works fine.
Lana: Aw, come on! Not your dick, dumb ass!

Lana: Cyril is already freaked out enough about us sharing this shoebox without you air-drying your unkempt bush.
Archer: Unkempt bush!? You're one to talk.
Lana: (goes to answer door) My vulva is a smoother than a veal cutlet!
(Opens door in her underwear to reveal Cyril in Steward outfit) Crappy timing...

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 89 in total

Archer Quotes

Cyril: Archer, do something!
Archer: Who am I, Alan Turing? He was also in X-Men, remember?

Hawley: Awww screw me!
Archer: ...said Ripley to the android Bishop.