Lana: What is it, soup?
Ray: Define soup.
Lana: Would it be safe to assume that no one wants to drink what's in your thermos?
Krieger: Sweet Jesus God, I would hope so!

Lana: Remember when the office shut down and we spent an entire year as coke dealers?
Archer: What, so people just quit?

Lana: Have you at least babyproofed this place?
Archer: I don't think a baby can hurt anything.

Archer: Lana, go. AJ's in good hands. I know what I'm doing. I've read 10 of the Babysitter's Club books.
Lana: Really?
Archer: Yeah, I'm totally a Christie with maybe like a dash of Claudia.

Lana: Daddy, tell us about your research.
Lem Kane: Well, algae is always challenging.
Archer: Yeah, just ask a flip-flop.

Archer: Who gets into a hot tub naked with a stranger?
Lana: Because everybody? Because Berkley?!
Archer: How doese a whole city get a pass from acceptable behavior!

Lem Kane: That's why I had to keep my secret. Can you imagine what that would mean to big oil or OPEC?
Archer: Well, there's no need to be racist.
Lana: How is the acronym for the organization of pertoleum exporting countries racist?
Archer: Oh, that's what it means?

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Lana: First of all, your plan was too complicated!
Slater: Maybe for you people.
Archer: It had everything except a sign for free birdseed.

Lana: And just so we're clear, he's the Prince of Duhan, an allied country.
Slater: Yeah, I'm gonna refer you back to "Because I said so."

Why are your plans always so complicated? You're like Wyle E Coyote with access to predator drones.

Lana: Just curious, what happened between your bedroom and right now?
Archer: Well, you were hysterical, Lana, so I thought the best thing to do would be inject you with a tranquilizer, drive you to a private air field, put you on a CIA plane, fly you overnight to Wales, and then...that brings us to now.

Seriously, what is this, the Shire?

Archer Quotes

KGB (Crenshaw): This may be old cliche, but... we have ways of making you talk.
Archer: What, your little go-kart battery?
KGB (Crenshaw): Golf cart.
Archer: Whatever. Would you pick an accent and stick with it?

It's like my brain's a tree and you're those little cookie elves.

Archer