Gillette: He's like a thousand.
Lana: You won't be having sex with him.
Gillette: Well, wait, he is a Duke.
Lana: No means no.

Lana: You turned archer loose with four million dollars in a casino?
Archer: Oh, don't worry. He may be vain, selfish liar and quite possibly alcoholic man whore, but gambling is one vice Sterling doesn't have.
Malory: Guess he's too busy doing all those other awesome stuff. Thanks, mother.

Well, you did threaten to stick a knife up his dick hole.

Archer: I'm not negotiating with a cyborg.
Lana: That's just a voice modulator.
Archer: You don't think cyborgs have that technology!?

I am literally wet with jealousy.

Archer: What have I been doing?
Lana: Chain smoking joints the size of tampons.
Archer: Eww.
Lana: Just a figure of speech.
Archer: Still, eww.

Archer: Lana, did you see my scarf?
Lana: Yes, Archer. I saw your scarf.
Archer: All my hair fell out.
Lana: I'm sorry.
Archer: Me too. It was my fifth best feature.

Archer: Lana, I'm in love with you.
Lana: You are also shitfaced.
Archer: I can be both.

Lana: Oh My... You're getting off on this!
Archer: And?

Archer: I would have qualified... if I made it to the thing.
Lana: If your aunt has balls, she'd be your uncle.

Archer: You're just doing this to spite me!
Lana: And?

Lana: This isn't the Sheriff's department where you get wear a windbreak and go on a ride-along. This is highly classified cover ops.
Rona: Yes! Covert ops! This is exactly the kind of spy lingo I want to soak up.
Pam: What part of highly classified do you not understand?
Rona: All of it!

Archer Quotes

Hawley: Awww screw me!
Archer: ...said Ripley to the android Bishop.

Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??
Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.
Cheryl: Watermelon's red?
Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?
Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?