Hopefully there's an afterlife. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Larry: I saw this commercial last night, and Michael Jordan had a Hitler moustache.
Buckner: Yeah I saw that. He's the first one to wear that since Hitler. Isn't he?

I like to munch and pee.

Business Manager: You can't judge me because I have a beautiful wife.
Larry: Uhhhh, I think I can.

I didn't beat him. The one-armed man did it!

I took over for a one-armed man. There was a one-armed man playing him.

Larry: I am going to go do something nice, right now.
Susie: It's about time.

He's gonna change your life. And a life that sorely needs changing.

It's not for performance. It's just for recovery.

The woman is on this earth to catch balls. Interesting theory. Too bad I don't have a daughter. I would like to impart that knowledge to her.

Larry: Lesbians have kind of an advantage in a way.
Leon: They some tricky mother fuckers.

Tie goes to the hetero.

Curb Your Enthusiasm Quotes

Larry: "Bald asshole?" That's a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.
Police Officer: I'm bald and I'm not offended.
Larry: With all due respect, Officer Berg, you are not bald. You've chosen to shave your hair and that's a look you're cultivating in order to look fashionable, but we don't really consider you part of the bald community... with all due respect

Larry: Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?