Cougar Town

Tuesdays 10:00 PM on TBS
Cougar town
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Grocery store jail, seriously?

Laurie: If you really want to get back at a man, scare him with a pregnancy test. I've got a whole box of old positives at my house.
Ellie: You're an American treasure.

You're dressing like a lady who would do stuff for just a little bit of crack.

Laurie: Man hands? You're stealing jokes from Seinfeld now?
Jules: Was that that Jewish guy you dated in High School?
Ellie: No, he had a huge TV show. Must see TV?
Jules: Never heard of it. No one's gonna tell me what's must see.

Bobby: Well come on Mando, you're married Ellie. You're a seasoned crazy bitch whisperer. No offense.
Laurie: You know, he once bitch whispered me down from choking out a lady from using the handicap stall. Turns out she was handicapped, but, like, barely.

Jules: What the hell was that?
Laurie: You're getting landlined.

Ellie: Should I remove your nuts?
Laurie: Oh, it's not you, she's just a horrible person.

Laurie: This will cheer you up! I have really good news?
Ellie: Are you sterile?!

Uh, I think I sweated off my birth control patch.

Happy Valentines Day. Yeah it's a fake holiday, but we still want stuff. Xoxo The female writers P.S. Not lingerie - that's for you

Title Card

There's a fun game - "Things Ellie Would Never Say."

I am now the official baker of the Latin Kings. Lil' Choke is gonna be so excited he gets stomped in this week.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 131 in total

Cougar Town Quotes

Laurie: Jules told me never to ask, but why do you call me Jellybean?
Ellie: Well JB, when Jules first hired you I thought you were so simple minded she could convince you that Jellybeans were more valuable than gold and subsequently pay you in Jellybeans. This concept was eventually shorted into your nickname, Jellybean.

Grayson: Shall we?
Jules: Indeed!