Deal with it!

Phil and Lem

Lem: These super-bagels are terrible. You can totally taste the high impact carbon.
Phil: That's because they're 98% high impact carbon. Whenever you go past 97%, it's hard to mask the taste.

Phil: Are you sure we're doing the right thing?
Lem: I've never been so sure about being unsure of anything in my life.
Phil: Good. Then we're on the same page. Let's do it.

Lem: Maybe we should take a stand. Maybe we should say this is the one thing that must not be used for evil.
Phil: Or maybe we say that the next thing we make must not be used for evil, but this one with we're fine with. And maybe the next one after that. But someday, they will push us too far, and the next time after that..
Lem: No, the time is now. 12:35. Maybe we should discuss this for another 20 minutes and then commit to something.

Ted: Phil, why on earth would you use your voice for the translator device?
Phil: It was the fastest way to fix it, since we already had my voice in the computer from that failed talking frying pan project.
Lem: Stupid thing wouldn't stop screaming when you put it on the burner.
Phil: Plus, it was very critical. "You really need that much butter?" Screw you, frying pan.

Lem: Oh, my God. Maybe we're evil scientists.
Phil: (laughing manically) I'm sorry. I laugh like that when faced with an unpleasant truth. That's why I got thrown out of that Al Gore movie.

Lem: We don't create evil things.
Ted: Some might see this long-range people-skinning laser as evil-ish.
Phil: Well, that was only designed so you could peel an orange in your kitchen while sitting comfortably in your living room.
Ted: Well, now it's used to peel enemy soldiers overseas while you sit comfortably in the Pentagon.

Lem: Now we're on to how you're gonna fix it.
Patricia: I can't tell the company. They'll put something in my food that makes me infertile.
Phil: They don't do things like that or cancel gym memberships.

Lem: Ted, we need your help.
Phil: We were working really hard in the lab...
Lem: And we had this pinata...
Ted: Pinata? That doesn't sound like really hard work.
Phil: It was stuffed with science.

Lem: The mat and the vest are both magnetized. When a child puts on the vest and steps on the mat, the magnets repel each other, making the child almost weightless, like an astronaut bouncing on the moon.
Phil: Now every child can have hours of repulsive fun.
Ted: Pete Gilroy's team is working on a similar system, and the company's only going to go for one. So, we need to make damned sure that it is... "The Floater." Yeah, that's not such a good name.
Lem: What about "The Astro-Nut?" You know, because it's crazy. (waves hands)
Veronica: Has waving your hands ever sold me on anything? (waves hands) Remember "Corpse-Eating Battlefield Robot?"

Phil: Your eyes look like two beady rabbit pellets on the face of a monkey-licking pus-bomb.
Lem: You've just been Phil-abusted.
Phil: Nice!
Lem: That's it--fill up your canker-blossomed hole, you ale-soused apple-john. That was the Elizabethan model.
Phil: Ye have been served.

Phil: Give a man an insult, he can hurt people for a day. Teach a man to insult, he can hurt people who tease him because he never learned to fish. Anyway, I've devised a formula.
Lem: Look at that. You had a problem in your life and who stepped up to help you? Math. She has always been there for you, hasn't she, Phil?
Phil: If she ever took physical form, I'd leave my wife and marry her.
Lem: Stand in line, my friend.
Phil: Anyway, it's really quite simple. You take a person's most marked physical feature, compare it to genitalia--male, female, or animal--and end with the suffix "-bag," "-wipe", or "-muncher."
Lem: You could also add an optional reference to excretion from any of the glorious openings offered by the human body.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 88 in total

Better Off Ted Quotes

Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of things

Ted

Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie

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