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The-big-bang-theory

Wolowitz: Okay, you two have to back off.
Raj: Why should I back off? You back off, dude.
Leonard: Excuse me, this is my apartment, and she's my roommate's sister.
Howard: So what? You've already got Penny.
Leonard: How do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny?
Wolowitz: So, I can have Penny?
Leonard: Hell, no!

Leonard: So, how do you two know each other?
Missy: He once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Sheldon: She's my twin sister. She thinks she's funny, but frankly, I've never been able to see it.
Missy: That's because you have no measurable sense of humor, Shelly.
Sheldon: How exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A "humormometer?"

Leonard [about the time machine]: The lights flash, and the dish spins. You wanna try it?
Penny: No, I don't wanna try it! My God, you are grown men! How could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes, and comic books, and-and... now that-that...
Sheldon: Again—time machine.
Penny: Oh, please, that's not a time machine. If anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades

Sheldon: I propose we add "pants must be worn at all times in the time machine"
Leonard: Seconded.
Wolowitz: I was gonna put down a towel

Sheldon: Are you upset about something?
Leonard: What was your first clue?
Sheldon: Well, it was a number of things: first, the late hour; then your demeanor seems very low energy; plus your irritability...
Leonard: Yes, I'm upset!
Sheldon: Huh, I don't usually pick up on those things. Good for me.
Leonard: Yeah, good for you.
Sheldon: Oh, wait, did you want to talk about it?
Leonard: I don't know, maybe.
Sheldon: Wow, I'm on fire tonight

Leonard: Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines.
Sheldon: I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.
Leonard: Thanks for pointing it out.
Sheldon: In addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimieux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother.
Leonard: Those are movies.
Sheldon: Of course they're movies. Were you expecting me to come up with an example involving a real-life time machine? That's absurd

Leonard: The elevator's been broken for two years.
Sheldon: I've been meaning to ask you. Do you think we should make a call about that?
Wolowitz: Not necessary. I have a Masters in Engineering. I remotely repair satellites in a regular basis. I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads. When the Mars Rover started pulling to the left I performed a front-end alignment from 62 million miles away. [pushes the button...] No, that baby's broken

Leonard: Come on, guys, push!
Howard: If I push any harder I'm gonna give birth to my colon.
Raj: I can't feel my fingers. Hurry up!
Sheldon: It's the same amount of work no matter how fast you go—basic physics.
Raj: Sheldon, if my fingers ever work again, I've got a job for the middle one

Sheldon: Why'd you set it for the day before yesterday?
Leonard: Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.
Sheldon: You can't. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present - travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake.
Leonard: Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?
Sheldon: Same paradox—if you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.
Leonard: What if I knocked you unconscious right now?

Penny: What actor holds the record for being named People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive?
Sheldon: William Shatner!
Leonard: I don't think it's Shatner.
Sheldon: Then it's got to be Patrick Stewart

Sheldon: Count me out.
Leonard: What? ...why?
Sheldon: You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition. Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?

Leslie: Wait, you're going up against Sheldon Cooper?
Leonard: Yeah.
Leslie: That arrogant, misogynistic East Texas doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high-energy particles for laundry and childbearing?

Displaying quotes 349 - 360 of 427 in total

TBBT Quotes

Sheldon: I recently read that during World War Two, Joseph Stalin had a research program to create supersoldiers by having women impregnated by gorillas.
Howard: What a sick use of science.
Raj: Hey, as long as the baby's healthy.
Amy: I wonder if Stalin considered any other animals.
Leonard: Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.
Howard: Yes, but when they're hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles.
Sheldon: Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn't be attacked.

As soon as we get home, I want to have coitus with Amy. Okay, she can't hear.

Sheldon
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