Sheldon: If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery...the snoring is gone.
Leonard: It sounds like either way, I finally get some rest.

Sheldon: I'm listening to you snore. I'm wondering how I'll ever sleep without it.
Leonard: If it helps you sleep, then why are you sitting here
staring at me like the albino boogeyman?
Sheldon: Really, Leonard-- insults? After I spent two hours in your closet waiting for you to fall asleep?

Sheldon: But you don't have a life-threatening condition. Why would you take the risk of surgery?
Leonard: Sheldon, it's a routine procedure.
Penny: I've heard you complain about his snoring.
Sheldon: We... Yes, for the first five or six years, but I've gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He's like my mucus-powered white noise machine.

Leonard: You know, if you're not gonna learn how to do this, they make some pretty good clip-ons.
Sheldon: Bruce Wayne doesn't wear a clip-on. Bruce Wayne doesn't make his roommate tie it for him.
Leonard: His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does.

Howard: They're not dating. They're just two friends who went out to dinner.
Raj: And then went back to the home they share where they probably fell asleep in the matching pajamas she got them because they both just love penguins.
Howard: Hey, lots of people wear matching pajamas who aren't dating.
Raj: Like who?
Howard: Like you and your dog.
Leonard: Don't rule out the dating.

Leonard: Oh, hey, we ran into your mom at Benihana last night.
Howard: Uh, yeah, she loves that place. Every time they flip a shrimp in the air, she practically leaps out of her seat to catch it. That's why I don't take her to SeaWorld.

Penny: The real question is: What is he doing in your apartment?
Leonard: Oh, he was upset. So Sheldon invited him in for a hot beverage.
Penny: You were okay with that?
Leonard: No. I got upset! And Sheldon made me a hot beverage, too.

Sheldon: Hold on, Doctor. Leonard, where are your social skills?This man is clearly upset. We should invite him in for a hot beverage.
Leonard: He tried to score with Penny.
Sheldon: So have these two, and they're having dinner with us.

Penny: What should I have done? Taken a picture of us in the car
and put it in a pink frame with puffy paint around it that says "best fiance ever"?
Leonard: Doesn't sound that bad.
Penny: Well, good, because... that's why I did!

Leonard: I think what Penny meant is, the thought of you two in a mine is kind of funny-- it's like a cat riding a Roomba.
Howard: If they get scared, they'll have those hats with the lights on them, 'cause down there it's night-night all the time!
Bernadette: Maybe they could ride around in one of those mine carts that go,(squeakily): ee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo.
Leonard: Yeah, it'll help them get away when they see a gh-gh-ghost...!

Leonard: Hold on. So, your idea is to get a van and cruise the streets looking for kids to pick up?
Guys: Yes.
Leonard: And are you gonna use candy to lure them in?
Raj: We are now!

Sheldon: I'll give you a plan right now. Step one: open comic book store.
Step two: start rumor this comic book store gives you genital warts.
Step three: buy a big bag to put the money in.
Leonard: It's not that bad.

TBBT Quotes

Sheldon: Are you still mad about the sperm bank?
Leonard: No!
Sheldon: Do you want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard: Not really.
Sheldon: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimeters most people will trip.
Leonard: I don't care—two millimeters?! That doesn't seem right.
Sheldon: No, it's true! I did a series of experiments when I was twelve; my father broke his clavicle.

Penny, there's only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life's problems, and that's an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter, if you're in a pinch.

Sheldon