Leslie Knope Quotes
I can't kill the possum because it might be innocent. I can't let the possum go because it might be guilty. Can't make a good soup, can't do a handstand in a pool, can't spell the word lieutenant. There's a lot of can'ts in my life right now.
OK, hypothetically if you're going on a mission to, say, catch a guilty whale. And while you were catching the whale, you saw something else that may also be another whale, and you were like, "What?" But then you thought, "Maybe it's not a whale. Maybe it's a big fish, maybe it's a submarine with a face painted on it." The point is if I kill the first whale, am I technically a murderer?
Leslie: Andy, you remember Shauna Malwae-Tweep from the Pawnee Journal?
Andy: How could I forget? You wrote the article when I fell in the pit and then afterwards had sex with Mark and everyone talked about it.
Tom: How long do you think it will take me to learn golf, Leslie?
Leslie: I could teach you. I have a 16 handicap. But, you know, it takes a lot of practice. You have to get up early, hit the range, practice reading greens.
Tom: Yeah I don't want to do all that. I'd say I just want some of those dope pants.
Leslie: Ron will show you around.
Ron: Um, right this way is the exit.
Leslie: Ma'am, the next we speak, we shall be dancing on the grave of a possum.
Evelyn: Great.
Evelyn: Let's be honest. Animal control is not the most effective branch of our government.
Leslie: They're a bunch of burned-out morons.
Fairway Frank is this awful possum who lives near the sixth hole of the public golf course. And he's actually number three on the Parks Department's most wanted pest list, right behind the bats who like to poop on the bell tower and Poopy, the raccoon who poops all over the high school cafeteria.
Leslie: Oh, hello! I've always dreamed of you.
Evelyn: Excuse me?
Leslie: Meeting you.
Leslie: Possum, there was a possum. We captured a possum and we brought it into your house and it got out and it might have laid eggs in your bed.
Ann: What?
Leslie: And it went into your laundry and your kitchen and it touched all your bras. And I'm so sorry, it's our fault we captured it and it got out and it ran around and it was a possum, OK? April, run, April. Sorry, Ann. I love you!
Andy: We're acting under direct orders from Mayor Gunderson's dog.
Leslie: Office.
The IOW is a bunch of sexist jerks who need to get back in the kitchen where they belong and leave the real feminist work to actual feminists like Ron Swanson. Oh my god what is happening?
