If I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? I hope so! Because the only way that this gala is going to happen is if you do everything I say.

My God. I have driven Ann right into the belly of the douche.

Ann: This guy went to Harvard.
Leslie: So did the Unabomber!

You are so brilliant and kind and stupid-hot!

We'll do a double date. You and you. And me and Ben!

Chris: According to Leslie's binder, her and April are making better time than on a normal day.
Leslie: Oh that's weird with us being women and all. You'd think our boobs would be getting in the way.

April: Let's rock this.
Leslie: April, I love you, but I don't need your sarcasm.
April: I'm serious. Let's get rolling, let's get into some garbage!
(to the camera) What? I love garbage.

Man on committee: I believe one problem with hiring women is that they're frail and breakable.
Leslie: Are you sure you're not talking about a lightbulb? Or your hip?

Leslie: Merry congratuchristmas!
Ron: What?

Ben: I don't know if you knew this, but Leslie was born in Eagleton!
Leslie: Do not blame me for the sins of my mother!

Jazz, plus jazz, plus jazz!

Your show last week on dolphin lactation was riveting radio.