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Lisa: I need some candy for our first playdate, but I don't want to come on too strong.
Lisa: Well, if I pick plain she'll think I'm cheap, and if I pick peanut, she may have an allergy. You just killed her, Bart!
Bart: How about Charleston Chew?
Lisa: What is this, Brooklyn in the fifties? Don't just say stuff.
Bart: You asked for my help, then you don't want it.
Apu: Excuse me, but why not consider an Almond Joy? It looks like you only brought something for yourself, but then you just happen to have two pieces.
Lisa: Finally, a real suggestion!
Bart: If she doesn't like coconut, you're screwed!
- Permalink: I need some candy for our first playdate, but I don't want to co...
Marge: Okay, remember our deal: Everyone gets to return one Christmas present with no hurt feelings. (holds up calendar with "From Bart" sticker) I'm returning this kitten calendar.
Lisa: (holds up identical calendar) Um, I'm also returning this kitten calendar.
Homer: Kitten calendar.
(Maggie holds up kitten calendar)
Bart: Hey, those are 15-month calendars! That gives you three extra kittens.
(The family stares at him blankly. He takes back the calendars)
Bart: That's the last time I get you guys a Christmas present at the last minute. (looks at back of calendar) Man, those are ugly kittens.
- Permalink: Everyone gets to return one Christmas present with no hurt feeli...
Homer: Sweetie, will you please look at daddy!
Lisa: You stopped being my daddy when you bet against me! All I have now is a mom. That's why I'm taking her maiden name. So from now on, my name is Lisa Bouvier!
Nelson: Hey, Mr. S. Lisa B.
Girl: Would you like to buy some band candy?
- Permalink: Sweetie, will you please look at daddy! You stopped being my ...
Lisa: Guess what, mom? I'm a cruciverbalist!
Marge: Oh, Lisa, another religion? You know, you'll just drop the whole thing at college when you get a Jewish boyfriend.
- Permalink: Guess what, mom? I'm a cruciverbalist! Oh, Lisa, another relig...
(After Lisa loses the crossword puzzle tournament)
Lisa: Oh, I blew it again.
Homer: She blew it again! Woo-Hoo!
(The bartender approaches Homer with a large tray of money)
Bartender: (Disdainfully) Here's your money, soaked in your daughter's tears.
Homer: You know for a bartender-bookie, you're awfully judgmental.
- Permalink: Oh, I blew it again. She blew it again! Woo-Hoo! Here's ...
Lisa: Dad, I know this is crazy, but did you plant a message to me in the New York Times crossword puzzle?
Homer: Well, I had a little help from this guy.
(Will Shortz and Merl Reagle appear)
Lisa: (gasps) New York Times crossword editor Will Shortz and master puzzle constructor Merl Reagle!
Merl Reagle: I actually wrote that crossword.
Will Shortz: And I edited it. Now get back to crosswording!
Merl Reagle: (dejected) Yes, sir.
- Permalink: Dad, I know this is crazy, but did you plant a message to me in ...
Marge: Let's pick up those hitch-hikers. They don't look like the stabby kind.
Lisa: Mom, you said all hitch-hikers were drug-crazed thrill seekers.
Marge: I said they were thrill-crazed drug seekers. Don't put words in my mouth.
- Permalink: Let's pick up those hitch-hikers. They don't look like the stabb...
Lisa: (seeing what her parents are up to) Tracking software? (gasps) You're spying on Bart!
Marge: Honey, keeping track of someone because you love them is not wrong. It shows you care.
Moe: (Listening to Marge via his own bugging device in the basement) That's right my beautiful, beautiful Midge. (Laughs) Soon, you'll be mine.
FBI Agent #1: (observing Moe via spy camera) Keep talking, creepo.
FBI Agent #2: Every word buys you a year in the slammer.
- Permalink: Tracking software? You're spying on Bart! Honey, keeping tra...
Bart: I'm never gonna have a cell phone.
Lisa: And I'm never gonna go to Machu Pichu. In this family, you get used to disappointment.
- Permalink: I'm never gonna have a cell phone. And I'm never gonna go to M...
(Bart is at Lisa's tea party)
Bart: I don't know why I agreed to this.
Lisa: Because you like the taste of my imaginary tea.
Bart: Oh, you're right.
- Permalink: I don't know why I agreed to this. Because you like the taste ...
Lisa: You mean your gingerbread McMansion.
Homer: Show some respect, three gingerbread men died making that.
- Permalink: You mean your gingerbread McMansion. Show some respect, three ...
That school is so great. Teachers teach so much better when they're paid in money and not chickens.
- Permalink: That school is so great. Teachers teach so much better when the...