Lois Griffin Quotes
(Brian is sitting on the toilet)
Lois: Well, look at you using the toilet. I am so proud of you.
Brian: Hey, well you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it.
Lois: Well still, good for you.
(Lois leaves, and Stewie enters)
Stewie: So, where are you really doin' your business?
Brian: Oh, I found a place.
(Scene cuts to Adam West's mansion, he walks near some bushes
Adam West: Well I'll be damned, and they called me crazy; "You can't plant sausage seeds" they said, well look at this!
Peter: Hey, Bill. Are you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois's purse. I don't think she'll notice because she's here... humping... you!
Lois: Peter! Look, I know this looks bad and I feel horrible, and... and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill except... I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in US history and he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to its lowest level in 33 years!
Bill Clinton: 35 years.
Lois: 35 years, Peter!
Peter: Well, well. I learned something today. Apparently, there's the side of Bill Clinton the world knows, and then there's the dark, sex crazed side only I know!
Lois: Alright, Peter. Who's it gonna be? Who do you wanna sleep with?
Peter: Ah, who are we kidding, Lois? This is never gonna work. Lets just forget the whole thing.
Lois: No, honey. It's gotta work. Just pick somebody, and I'll make it happen. Deep down, in your heart of hearts, if, if it could be anyone in the world, who would it be? Halle Berry? Ann Margerat?
Peter: Anybody I want?
Lois: Anybody. Don't be afraid to tell me.
Lois: (Uneasily) My mother?
Peter: I mean, what if I run into that octopus again?
Lois: Peter, that's ridiculous.
Octopus: Ready for round two man? (Peter and Lois look outside. Octopus has a cigarette in one of the tentacles.) I got all day. Hey, is that your wife?
(Peter closes blinds)
Lois: Chris, what happening to the couch?
Chris: Dad dragged it out on the lawn because he said "that's what rednecks do!"
(The phone rings, Lois answers)
Lois: Hello? Oh, you must have a wrong number, there's no one here by the name of Longrod VonHugendong.
Quagmire: (Incoherent. Motions to Lois that the call is for him)
Chris: (Runs into the room screaming.) Ahhhhh! Mom! Dad! There's somebody in my tree-house!
Lois: Yeah and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen. Which one do you think I'm more pissed about?
Little Homo: I'll remind you that I was invited here!
Peter: Besides, Quagmire don't even have a job.
Lois: Well you're going to have to help him find one because I'd have enough of him living in this house.
Peter: Eh, you're overreacting Lois and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl.
Lois: Glen, we're so thrilled for you.
Brian: Yeah. Guess it didn't take much for you to get your job back, now that you're a hero.
Peter: And I'm so happy, I don't mind that I was raped in a federal prison after being arrested for hijacking!
Peter: You got Legos? Aw, sweet! Lois only buys me Mega Bloks.
Lois: They're the same thing, Peter.
Peter: You know what, Lois? They are not the same thing. And the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track.
Peter: (in tree) Well, maybe you should have just had an abortion, Lois! Would that make you happy if I was never born?
Peter: I'm going to prison, aren't I?
Lois: Should we just ask how old she is?
Peter: That'd be kinda awkward, huh? Hey, may be we should just cut off her leg and count the rings?