Lois: Chris, what happening to the couch?
Chris: Dad dragged it out on the lawn because he said "that's what rednecks do!"

Peter: (in tree) Well, maybe you should have just had an abortion, Lois! Would that make you happy if I was never born?
Lois: What?
Peter: I'm going to prison, aren't I?

Peter: You got Legos? Aw, sweet! Lois only buys me Mega Bloks.
Lois: They're the same thing, Peter.
Peter: You know what, Lois? They are not the same thing. And the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track.

Lois: You really gotta stop misbehaving, you're gettin on mommy's nerves.
Stewie: Well, you know what will ease your stress? Slap me across the face like a bitch.
Lois: (sighs) It's all right, I'll get some Windex.
Stewie: Come on, discipline me. Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eyes, violate me with a wine bottle, my god I really have problems don't I?

Lois: Should we just ask how old she is?
Peter: That'd be kinda awkward, huh? Hey, may be we should just cut off her leg and count the rings?

Lois: Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy.
Brian: It is a tragedy.
Lois: Excuse us.
Brian: Yeah, we'll be right back.
(Lois and Brian are in front of the house celebrating, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and Lois punches him, then they return.)
Lois: We're all going to miss him.
Brian: Tragic.

Peter: Uh, Meg, uh, I got 16 candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg: That's not right.
Peter: So... less...? more...? Too many...? Not enough...?
Meg: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Meg: I'm going to be 17, you jerks!
(Meg leaves her room)
Peter: She's the jerk.

Lois: Peter, you can't drive a car over that. You're going to get hurt.
Peter: Lois, I don't come down to Burger King and tell you how to do your job.
Lois: Peter, I don't work at Burger...
Peter: I don't work at Burgagagagagaga, I'm busy.

Lois: Who wants a glass of fresh lemonade?
Peter: Not me! What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter.
(Peter throws his lemonade at Meg)

Peter:(after learning Meg is his driver) Lois, this is the best you could do?
Lois: Well, it was either Meg or a talking monkey smoking a cigar, but I didn't think you'd like that.
Monkey: I've already accepted another job.
Peter: Lois, you picked the opposite thing that I would like.
Monkey: That's okay. I would have driven you bananas.
Peter: Oh, oh. And he makes jokes. Nice going, Lois.

Peter: Yeah, Brian. You're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that oriental guy that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
Lois: Peter, hold on to that thought because I'm gonna explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement.

Lois: Oh Brian, it is so nice of you to take Meg to this dance. It really means a lot to her.
Brian: Ya got any weed?
Lois: I put it in your coat pocket.

Family Guy Quotes

Chris: Mr. Woods. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Oh Chris, I'm your father, call me "dad".
Chris: Um, okay, dad. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Well, there's a number of ways Chris. Uh, for example, Kate Moss and I had the same coke supplier, and he threw a punch social one day, and we both happened to be there, and the next thing you know, we're both in the back room, slam bang. I went bareback, babe.
Chris: Wow, she sounds like a class act.
James Woods: No, not at all Chris. No, not at all.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)