Han/Peter: Well your manage-to-keep-me-around-a-little-longer ness, it looks like you've managed to keep me around a little longer.
Leia/Lois: I assure you, I had nothing to do with it.
Han/Peter: Yeah right. I think you just can't stand to let a fat guy like me out of your sights.
Leia/Lois: [agitated] Why you stuck up, half witted, scruffy lookin' nerf herder!
Han/Peter: You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

Peter: Here's the deal: anything he lops off we get to bring home to Brian.
Lois: That's very green of you, Peter.

Lois: How do you know he's gay?
Peter: A lot of little things: the way he talks, his mannerisms, and he has the complete DVD set of Sex and the City between his butt cheeks.
Lois: Peter, no he didn't.
Peter: He had the DVD set. I was just being colorful with the rest of it.

Chris: Anything I could do to make your life easier.
Lois: Well you could always grab the vacuum and clean the living room floor.
Chris: Sure, I'll take care of that. Are you running off to your job?

Brian, your script... it was enchanting. This brian griffin? I've never met this Brian Griffin. I would have told you last night, but I was 100% sure you ripped it off. After spending the last 18 hours on the Internet and in libraries trying to find traces of it somewhere, I couldn't find a thing.

I bet you taste like Mountain Dew and Starburst.

Peter: She ain't what she used to be. Once you get those pants off it's like two sagging breast hams and a slice of pizza.
Lois: Thank you, Peter, that makes me feel terrific.

Peter: Lois, you have a gray hair.
Lois: What?
Peter: Inch and a half left of your part.
Lois: Oh my god, you're right.
Peter: You know I don't mind so much that you're aging, it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat.
Lois: Screw you Peter.
Peter: Wow, not today.

Lois: Peter, did you tell Chris to act like a jerk to this girl?
Peter: Um, define "Chris".

Lois: Chris, honey, what's wrong?
Chris: Anna took a dump on me.
Lois: What?!
Chris: Yeah, she broke up with me.
Lois: Oh, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say.
Chris: What's the difference?
Lois: Well, what you said first was... well, I mean, when two grown-ups love each other very much, sometimes they show it by... never mind.

Lois: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
Peter: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your Vag.
Lois: What?
Peter: What?

Peter: (very drunk) Did I miss Byron's reward?
Lois: "Brian's award". And yes, you did!
Peter: Brian, you've been a good son, and I'm sorry you're so sick.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

I forgot Yelp was a weapon for dumb people, you taught me something today Brian.

Stewie